The ex-factor: Three women on staying friends with their former partner

‘Conscious uncoupling’ isn’t just for stars like Gwyneth. Arlene Harris talks to three women who have stayed on good terms with their ex

We all rolled our eyes at the PC language when Gwyneth Paltrow announced that she and Chris Martin were “consciously uncoupling”. But several years and different partners later, they remain on good terms and are regularly seen together with their children. Recently the Hollywood actress confirmed what we already suspected, that they are still “very close”.

A very mature attitude indeed for the divorced parents of two — and it seems as though they are not alone in their magnanimous feelings towards each other as it was revealed recently that Princess Beatrice will welcome her fiancé’s ex-girlfriend to their upcoming nuptials this year.

Of course, not everyone remains best buddies with their ex-partner and many have no desire to ever cross their paths again. However, Niamh Hogan, who is married to Paul and has a 14-year-old daughter, is firmly in Gwyneth’s camp.

Niamh Hogan

Not only is she on friendly terms with her ex-boyfriend, but also attended his wedding last year.

Hogan, who is the chief executive of Holos Skincare products, says being friends with an ex makes life easier for everyone concerned. “I was with my ex for four years and we still share friends from our wider social circle,” she says.

“We now have busy lives, partners, kids, and jobs so don’t see each other as much as we did but he and my husband became friends and are like two bold children when they get together. We were at his wedding last year and like him, his wife is a lovely, kind person. To be honest, even referring to him as my ‘ex’ feels weird as he is a good family friend and will be for life.

“I don’t think there’s any magic formula [for staying friends] but even after the breakup, we spent a lot of time together, which all felt very normal. I think we both just wanted each other to remain in our lives as neither of us hated the other one.

The relationship had changed but the friendship never died — so we became a sounding board for each other, got on with our own lives, met other people, and married them.

“The funniest thing was when he sent me a text to save the date as he was getting married and I sent him one back saying, ‘That’s brilliant — and I secretly got married two days ago’.

“We don’t see each other lots these days but when we do, it’s always fun.”

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin

The Wexford woman believes that staying friendly with previous partners can be therapeutic. “I think that in Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s situation, it’s important for them to remain on good terms as they have children together,” she says.

“It also seems important personally for them, which shows the respect they have for each other and that they were great friends. I believe if a strong friendship exists in a relationship, then it can withstand a breakup.

“Also, I think Princess Beatrice inviting her fiancé’s ex is a lovely thing to do as she is acknowledging the life he had before her and showing that she does not feel threatened by his ex — it shows great trust between her and her fiancé.”

Sinead sees more of her ex-boyfriend than either of their partners realise, though she says it’s completely innocent and they are “simply good friends”.

“I’ve been with my husband for three years but I was with my previous boyfriend for five and we were at college together so we have known each other a long time,” says the Dublin woman.

“We started out as friends and then just began seeing each other romantically. And as we always got on so well, a lot of people didn’t even realise that our relationship had changed from a platonic one until we told them.

“When we finished college, I went travelling and he stayed here as he had been offered a good job. We naturally drifted apart. Then when I returned, he was seeing someone else and they eventually got engaged. If I’m being honest, I was a bit miffed about it as I always thought we would end up together but I could see that he was in love with her and they were very well suited.

We stayed in touch and because we have a lot of friends in common would often be at the same events and I got on with his fiancée from the start. Then when I started seeing my husband, we would bump into each other from time to time and always had fun together — so we have been open with our partners that we are still friends.

The marketing executive hasn’t told her husband she meets her ex on several occasions for drinks after work, but doesn’t think it’s an issue. “We work around the corner from each other now so sometimes we will be in the same pub on a Friday evening,” she says. “And we have met each other while out getting a sandwich so had lunch or on occasion, a drink after work.

“It’s all innocent — we are old friends having a catch-up and a laugh together. Neither of us has mentioned it to our other halves, but I don’t think it’s a big deal as I wouldn’t mention it if I met a female friend from college either.”

Keri Denney is also friends with her ex-boyfriend. The massage therapist, who is married to Gary and has a 10-year-old daughter, believes it is important to try and be friends with ex-partners, but admits sometimes that isn’t possible.

Keri Denney

“I think it is very healthy and natural to remain friends with someone you’ve had a good relationship with,” says the Kildare woman.

“My ex and I were together for two years and while we did work together, we have since moved on to separate careers. We spent time in each other’s social circles and by coincidence or universal design he met his wife in my circle. But it’s not awkward at all — we are connected on Facebook and chat from time to time. He just had a health scare recently and the day before he posted about it, I felt something was going on with him and knew I should check-in.”

She is aware that not every couple will want to stay in touch after a breakup.

“Not all relationships are healthy so [sometimes] all ties must be severed in order to grow and move on,” she says. “We all get into relationships for a variety of reasons, known or unknown, so do not stay connected just because you think you should.”