Caroline O'Donoghue: 'I've joined the gym. Well actually five of them in the course of my life'

I have joined a gym. Actually, I’ve joined five in the course of my life, and have averaged about seven visits to each of them. Gyms make me feel like an asthmatic old Texan billionaire who can’t keep up with his young girlfriend, and instead of doing something more his speed — like, I don’t know, pilates — he just keeps getting newer and younger girlfriends.

However, like an old bachelor that settles down when all of his friends have completely given up on him,I have finally found a heartless bimbo that makes me happy. Who makes me feel like a young man of 20 again, who re-sets my shuffleboard, who holds my hand during my increasingly graphic war flashbacks.