Ask Audrey: She said, I’d make more money selling majorette outfits in Scoil Mhuire

Sorting out Cork for ages...

Q: Dear Audrey, I’m writing to you on behalf of the deserving rich in Sundays Well.

We were reading a piece by your Examiner reporter Eoin English during the week about renovating the Shakey Bridge.

Now, I’m sure poor Eoin isn’t familiar with the burdens of wealth, but taking the Shakey Bridge out of action means I have no easy way to get my five grand poodle out for a trot around Fitzgerald Park.

My poor dog-walker is wrecked from walking all the way down to the North Mall. Can we get a temporary ferry put in?

— Paul, Sundays Well.

A: I rang City Hall there and said to the woman on reception, there’s a guy from Sundays Well struggling to get his poodle out in Fitzgerald Park. She said, I’ll put you through to our Anti-Flasher Hotline.

Q: How’re oo goin’ on? Herself is a keen fan of the sex advice column you have there in the Examiner.

Anyway, didn’t she read last week that nothing puts lead in the pencil faster than sex on the beach, with the result that seven minutes later we were on the road to Inchydoney.

Obviously the column isn’t short of a fan or two, there were a fair few couples in the dunes, with one fella shouting, “Ah shure you’re after getting sand on it now, Rita.”

Anyway didn’t the word get out around Dunmanway and I am now known as Dan Paddy Sandy.

Do you think I should embrace it or what like?

— Dan Paddy Andy, head out beyond Dunmanway until it starts to feel like an episode of Father Ted (God rest him.)

A: Don’t talk to me about outdoor bangy-bangy (that’s what they’d call it in polite circles in Ballinlough, if there were any.)

I had a boyfriend who couldn’t get an erection indoors, so a lot of our carry-on was outside. He said, do you watch porn to get turned on?

I said no, the weather forecast.

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Q: Hey girl. I’m todally head over beard with this Boho chick who sells bottled unicorn breath next to my gluten-free crystal stall at the Farmer’s Market. #Entrepreneurial.

She said a while back she’d do anything to run through her own bee-friendly wildflower garden, so that got me thinking the thoughts, not all of them clean, ya feelin’ me?

So my point plan – fire the old man’s gardener, wild flowers grow out back of our 5 acre spread on the Blackrock Road, Boho chick comes over for a look and maybe more.Unfortunately gardener-dude Derek reckons it’s illegal to fire someone just because you want to do ‘de deed’ with a hippy and put a picket on our gate.

So now I can’t get a chef in to cook dinner for my date – do you know any low air-mile vegan recipes that could get a chick in the love mood?

— Ed, Ballintemple.

A: My Conor is a great cook, he insisted we turn vegan recently just to annoy his mother. I said, do you have any vegan recipes that could make a woman interested in sex?

He said,obviously not. #Neglected.

Q: Story wha? I assumed the Boyz in Blue would have the 5 in a row sorted by now and dat, so I had no hesitation entering a competition to win a two-night break in Galway this weekend.

Unfortunately I came second and ended up with a weekend in Cork. Laughin’ away there at me own joke, so I am.

Only messing, it’s not like ye’re Limerick, wha? Anyway meself and the missus will be hanging to find a pub in Cork where we can get nicely gargled and watch the match on Saturday without meeting too many culchie bog-munchers wha? Where would you recommend and dat?

— Stanzer, Irishtown, Dublin 4.

A: Ya, but not really Dublin 4. That’s very, very Grange people saying they live in Douglas. #Hilaire.

My nephew describes himself as a Cork pub scene expert, because it plays better than ‘borderline alcoholic’ on his Tinder profile.

I told him your story. He said, that man is a pioneer. I said, you mean he doesn’t drink? He said no, he’s a Dublin fan travelling outside the capital for a big football match. #FirstTimeforEverything

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Q: Hey. So, we’re buzzing talking about activities for our smallies on the WhatsApp group, Blackrock Road Babes Who Know How Much Your Car Costs.

Holly_2019BMW got her hands on a report commissioned by The Anti-Norry League which shows there is only a 3% chance of your child coming into contact with a northsider at drama classes.

My eight-year-old is fierce creative-volatile, but I’m worried that she’ll love it and become an actress, when we’re dead set on her doing medicine. (Did I mention I’m from the Blackrock Road?)

Do you know of any southside drama classes that will teach kids the importance of earning enough money to buy a Range Rover?

— Becca, Blackrock Road, did I mention that already?

A: Too much, smell of Ballintemple off ya.

My neighbour describes herself as a working actress, which is half right. (We call her Absolutely Mawvlas.) I said, is there is much of a living to be made in the acting game.

She said, I’d make more money selling majorette outfits in Scoil Mhuire.

#TakeThatAsANo