Ask Audrey: I keep having filthy thoughts about boy-racer types from West Kerry

Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for ages...

Now listen up Paddy. I am writing to you in a spirit of friendship on behalf of the British establishment and would be much obliged if you put down your 14 children and pint of Guinness for a moment, so you can hear what I have to say. As you know, our man Boris is a shoe-in for PM as long as we can keep him away from journalists and our nannies. Obviously he plans to make a few off-colour remarks about you Irish, because there’s nothing like a spot of Paddy-bashing to get the juices flowing amongst our members. Please don’t take this personally, Boris tell me is very fond of you Micks, particularly the females. Can you pass this message onto your man Simon Coveney?

- Lord Edmund D’Servant-Shagger