Ask Audrey: Let me be clear- Donald Trump didn’t visit Ireland, he visited Clare

Audrey's been sorting out Cork people for ages...

C’mere, what’s the story with Budgie sending dodgy pics to my old doll. I was going through her phone last night, pure nosiness now like, and what did I see only a mickey pic sent from someone called LuvvaLuvvaDublinHill? Now, my friend Budgie is from Dublin Hill and it do look very like his thingy, based on what I saw at his stag party. If I confront him with this he is going to say, “You must have had a long lingering look at my langer in Prague, boy!! Ha?”, talk about fierce awkward. What should I do? — Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

It’s a tricky one alright. I confronted My Conor the other night in a real accusing voice and said, did you send a photo of your mickey to my cousin Colette? He said no, quite nervously I thought. I said, well take one there and send it to her straight away, she’s feeling a bit unwanted after Sean ran away with yet another au pair. #GoodDeed

We were having a bit of banter on our WhatsApp group last night, Maryborough Hill Babes Who Don’t Know How to Work our Dishwashers. All of a sudden AvaDaRava_1977 announced she isn’t going to replace her 172C Volvo XC40 because she doesn’t want to damage the environment. It’s like she doesn’t care that we have a complete ban on Norries, Hippies and Muireann Smythe-Sexton-Fox. (Don’t ask.) I mean, it’s all very well to love polar bears when you’re on your second bottle of Prosecco at a save the planet charity bash in Maryborough Hotel. But none of us want to be seen with a woman in a two-year-old car. How can I get her to understand this? — Paula, Maryborough Hill.

The Posh Cousin is all over this. In fact she has a new podcast out called The Hippies Hate You Anyway, You Might As Well Drive a Huge BMW. I said to her, what’s the worst thing about global warming? She said my water-level mansion in Blackrock will shortly be worth less than a mid-terrace on Holly Hill. #Catastrophic #WeAreAllNorriesNow

Hello old stock. My company has been audited by a Gender Equality Consultant, a gorgeous bird from Manchester if you don’t mind me saying, which she did, and I have two weeks to respond to her complaint in writing. Anyway, our overall score for Gender Awareness was 7, which I thought was quite good until she told me it was out of 500. (She docked 200 points because of the image on our Career Development page, showing me and two stunning Romanian interns playing spin the bottle at our summer BBQ.) This is devastating for me because I’ve always seen myself as a ladies’ man. My friend Hoggy said I should hire three Plain Janes to show my feminist credentials, but I said no Hoggy, the correct thing to do here is make a reality show for Virgin Media called Sorry Girls, I’m a Complete Dinosaur. Do you think I’m right? — Reggie, Blackrock.

I think you’re dead right. It’s a nightmare trying to find three plain looking women in Cork, you’d probably end up recruiting in Galway.

Myself and my good wife were watching President Trump charming the pants off you Europeans on Fox News during the week, when we saw shots of him visiting your Emerald Isle. Well, my, if it isn’t God’s own country you have over there, blessed by the presence of our chosen Leader. We threw ourselves on our knees and asked the Lord to help us apply for a passport so we would pay a visit to see your backward paradise for ourselves. Where should we visit and do I need to bring a gun? — John Smith Jnr. IV, Fort Worth, Texas, faith and begorrah to ya.

I’ll take the begorrah but you can keep your faith. Let me be clear — Donald Trump didn’t visit Ireland, he visited Clare. That’s basically a wildlife park for human-shaped bodhran worshippers. The best advice I can give you is to head straight down from Shannon to West Cork. And there is no longer a need to bring a gun to Ireland, now that they’ve put the bypass around Limerick.

Hey. I’m well liked in lower order pubs around Cork even though I’m one bad heartbeat away from inheriting half of the Well Road. (Long life and happiness Mom, okay, ya, todally.) Anyway, I was dropping my son Snowmoat to school yesterday on my three grand bike when he said hello to some little punter coming out of a social housing unit. I said, how do you know her? He said, she’s in my class. I said no she isn’t, you’re upper middle, she’s lower-working at best. He didn’t get it. How can I explain the class system in Cork without sounding like a todal arsehole, ya? — Ed, Ballintemple.

It’s a nightmare. My son said recently, what’s the difference between me and a guy from Turners Cross? I said, his parents don’t get vom in the mouth when they see a sign-post for Garryvoe. #NorryOnSea