Ask Audrey: What's the story with dying your pubes?

Sorting out Cork people for ages...

Ask Audrey: What's the story with dying your pubes?

Sorting out Cork people for ages...

C’mere, what’s the story with dying your pubes?

I’m back in the dating game after my old doll found out I was part of a WhatsApp group called ‘Norries Up for a Shag with 20 Minutes Notice’. (She originally thought I was in a rapid-response animal rescue unit, which I kind of was if you saw some of the wans who got in touch.)

Anyway, I’ve had a long hard look at myself in the mirror and I still have it, except my pubes are gone grey and some old dolls hate that. Can I dye them?

– Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, I was thinking of red and white for the hurling.

A: I’m hurling alright, just thinking about it. My friend from college is out four nights a week on Tinder.

I said, what do you say when you see grey pubes on a date? She said, put that away a while, I haven’t even ordered a drink. #Keen

I’m after falling in love with my hairdresser, which is a little bit awks because she’s only from Ballyvolane.

We’re moving in together tomorrow but I’m worried about telling my parents, this is just the kind of thing that could get them kicked out the bridge club. (The members were fine with the news that I’m a lesbian, except for Mrs Dwyer from the Model Farm Road, who tabled a motion at the AGM insisting that she ‘isn’t one’. Now that’s what I call coming out.)

Anyway, I’ve invited the olds over for dinner on Sunday, how do you think I should break the news?

– Anna, Maryborough Hill, would it be hilarious if I just dressed her up as a majorette?

A: No. Your parents sound like cultured people, so your best bet here is to greet them with a Limerick. (Limerick and culture in the same sentence, what next?)

So, here goes. ‘You’re welcome to Maryborough Hill, Sit down there and eat up your fill, I’d like to say sorry, my girlfriend’s a norry, just don’t write me out of the will.’

Now listen up Paddy. I’ve just come up from a meeting of the British Aristocracy, where we dressed up as babies and got a jolly good thrashing from Tiggy Land-Grabber, who was pretending to be Nanny. (Never did us any harm.)

We’ve all decided to move to Ireland, before the oiks over here blame us for Brexit and say, “Oy, Trev, let’s kill all them nobs.”

I’m minded to move to a big house in north Cork but Jacob Rees-Mogg wants to live in Dublin so he can be close to his money. Which would be a better?

– Lord Herbert Von Maid-Snatcher, Wiltshire, my family came over with the Normans.

A: Like a virus. I think I speak for everyone in Cork when I say you’d be better off in Dublin.

The dress circle of Cork society will just follow you around the place until you agree that Pres is better than Eton. You’ll have so much in common with the Dublin 4 crowd – the only difference is the accent, their’s is slightly more English than yours.

Anxiety levels up to 11 here in Lindville on the Blackrock Road.

Our new neighbours have moved in and they’re from Kerry.

That’s not a bad thing in itself, the husband is a bit sleazy like all Kerry guys, but I definitely would, do you know that kind of a way.

The problem is I have no way of telling if they are appropriate for someone like me — for all I know they might have got a payout from a whiplash case. So, how can you tell if a Kerry person is well-bred?

– Nicola, Lindville, their kids are a bit feral.

A: Only a bit? That would make them like the Hapsburgs in Tralee. I’m friends with the agony aunt in The Kerryman, most of her letters are from people asking if it’s ok to be in love with a goat.

I said, what’s a sign of class in Kerry?

She replied, saying creature instead of crater. #MadeInChelsea

How’re oo’ goin’ on?

Herself is after falling in with a group of fanatical sexperts inside in Dunmanway and didn’t she come the other night and say we’re heading for divorce if we don’t have it off once a week.

I said that’s a fair ramp up from once every two years, but she didn’t hear me because she already had the Credit Union calendar out, asking me how are you fixed Wednesday afternoon.

I said, I usually listen to Joe Duffy then and it’s hard to get randy while listening to some fella above in Dublin who got caught in a tarmacadam scam. So like, when is the best time for that kind of carry on?

– Dan Paddy Andy, head out beyond Dunmanway until you see a man googling ‘cheap Viagra’.

A: Every couple has this problem. The other day, My Conor said, when would you like to have sex?

I said, less often. He laughed his head off at that and said, imagine for a moment that it isn’t with me.

I said, I imagine that every time we get going, but it still doesn’t work. #CallTheRelationshipCounsellor

More in this section


In the Kitchen with

ieFoodLogo   Video Series

Join Darina Allen for Stir It Up Sunday and cook along with her as she makes her mother’s plum pudding recipe. She also makes Mrs Hanrahan’s sauce - a recipe that is so delicious that Darina says people ask for more plum pudding just so they can have more sauce!

Join Darina Allen as she makes her mother's plum pudding with Mrs Hanrahan's sauce.

Watch Here
Puzzles logo
IE-logo

Puzzles hub

Visit our brain gym where you will find simple and cryptic crosswords, sudoku puzzles and much more. Updated at midnight every day. PS ... We would love to hear your feedback on the section right HERE.

Lifestyle
Newsletter

The best food, health, entertainment and lifestyle content from the Irish Examiner, direct to your inbox.

Sign up