Lindsay Woods: Spice Up your Life? No, thanks

When Take That announced they were splitting up, I openly wept. I can still remember those all-consuming gulps of my 13-year-old grief, writes Lindsay Woods.

There were no accurate measures to quantify the sheer depths of my despair. I remember hugging the TV when the videos for their songs appeared on-screen.

How my finger would ache from hovering over the ‘record’ button on the VCR, so desperate was I to compile my very own montage of their sheer greatness.

I also remember my awe and somewhat confusion, when just a short year later, I came face to face with the object of my teenage affections, Howard Donald.

At a campsite disco in Wales, he was billed as the DJ for the evening.

Teenage me was conflicted at what I interpreted to be an apparent fall from grace and so beneath such an example of magnificence; it felt wrong and entirely unfair.

Mid-thirties me however feels somewhat like this: “Yes Donald! You do you hunay! You got them bills to pay, a family to support and you are not afraid to graft!”

Needless to say, when the band announced they were reforming, I again suffered from the, ‘There’s just something in my eye, ok?’ affliction.

What they gave us was cracking new material, a group of grown men who looked their age and the 2.0 version of Gary Barlow.

Nowadays, it appears that a week barely passes without a reunion of some sorts being announced. The most recent being that of the Spice Girls. It’s all left me a bit cold.

Take That when they went their separate ways, for the most part, quietly slipped around the corner. With the exception of Robbie, there were no major scandals or prolonged attempts at tepid solo careers.

Howard Donald

They lived their lives, worked and raised their families. So, when they reformed, there was a sense of, ’Let’s do right by them… they deserve it’.

There was no bravado or posturing; just, fresh lyrics and four men who wore an unsure look as to how they would be received but, with a longing in their eyes that they may finally be able to pay off the mortgage.

The Spice Girls, like similar pop acts who announced they were reforming, are a different entity altogether.

To me, they are the equivalent of YouTube merchandise: another avenue to simply generate revenue. Which, if billed as such, more power to them.

In fact, more Girl Power to them. But it’s being sold as something else entirely.

The members of the group have all stayed in the public domain, carving out solo careers in various areas. We’ve witnessed break-ups, scandals, financial issues, tell-all books, photoshoots, TV appearances… you get the picture.

Undoubtedly, the most successful member, Posh, has declined to join the group as they take to the stage once more. Because she does not need to.

A tepid statement issued via social media as to how she will cherish her time and memories with the group fell flat when other members were questioned as to will she join them at some point during the shows?

General consensus was, they weren’t sure. Not so much ‘Girl Power’ as ‘Your people can talk to my people’.

My money is on Posh turning up at the largest venue on the bill to point her finger moodily for the duration of one song on stage.

If you were a Spice Superfan, the news of this impeding reunion will no doubt have you reaching for your platform Buffalos and black bandeau bodycon. For me, just like Marmite, I’m just not that into it.

For the most part, we have continued to grow up with the Spice Girls as they have never really taken a break.

Their fans have too grown up, carved careers, had families etc. I can imagine the WhatsApp dialogue when the tour was announced: the feverish enthusiasm that tickets needed to be purchased, followed by someone saying they had just checked their calendar to see they had an overseas work commitment.

You can also be sure that on the eve of said concert, someone will have a childcare/family/work emergency which will result in their inability to attend. Because that’s life.

I can’t help feeling that if they truly wanted to do it for their fans, they would have screened a TV special that could be watched by one and all from the comfort of their sofa.

They could have collected their cheque and viewers could have had a catnap during the advert breaks. That, would have been Girl Power.

For me, it’s a no. For many others it will be a solid, ‘Yes!’

I’ll just wait for the Twitter highlights to see if Posh deigns to stick her hip out to the chorus of Spice Up your Life.

‘Hai si Ja, hold tight!’