Ask Audrey: The definition of an alcoholic in Ireland is a friend who drinks more than you

Sorting out Cork people for years...

Ask Audrey: The definition of an alcoholic in Ireland is a friend who drinks more than you

Sorting out Cork people for years...

C’mere, what’s the story with telling the old doll she’s drinking too much. We saw this thing on the news the other night saying that Irish old dolls are drinking too much and it do be disastrous for their health.

I tried to tell my own old doll there and then that she’s overdoing it, but I couldn’t get the words out because I was after drinking a bottle of vodka myself, do you know that kind of way? So like, how can I bring this up without seeming like a complete killjoy?

– Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, is it ok for southside old dolls to drink their heads off at home?

Yes, as long as you do it from a Brown Thomas wine glass. (Please drink responsibly.)

My friend is an addiction counsellor, I asked her how can you tell if someone has a drink problem.

She said the definition of an alcoholic in Ireland is a friend who drinks more than you. I said where did you get your counselling certificate. She said my printer. Isn’t on-line education great all the same?

My twins Hugo and Conan are starting in school this week and we can’t afford fee-paying because my husband is only from Wilton. (He told me he was from Bishopstown when we got engaged and by the time I found out the truth, we’d already paid for the band.)

Anyway, I’ve bought the boys little Pres uniforms for Instagram photos and walking out to the car in front of the neighbours (#WorkedATreat), but I need somewhere handy in town where I can change them into their actual uniforms without getting caught.

Ideas, si vous plait.

– Mandy, Glanmire.

My friend is an expert at changing her clothes in a car, let’s just say fidelity isn’t her strong suit. I asked her for a suitable spot in town.

She said why do you ask? I said it’s someone pretending her kids are going to Pres, she’s from Glanmire. She said no surprise there, you do realise Glanmire is shorthand for Devastated We Couldn’t Afford St Lukes.

I said everyone does.

How’re oo goin’ on? Herself is after falling in with a bunch of fitness fanatics back in Schull and didn’t she come home the other night and tell me she’s turned on by Muscle Mickey, a well-known local eejit who sold his house and moved into a gym.

Long story short, I either lose two stone or Muscle Mickey is on her arm at the Credit Union Dinner Dance.

I heard about this new breakthrough diet pill, Lorcaserin, would that be the lad for me?

– Dan Paddy Andy, Goleen, I’m worried about side effects.

They mightn’t be as bad as you think. I checked there and it says that men who take Lorcaserin should call their doctor if they experience an erection that lasts for more than 4 hours. (There’s no need to boast.)

Anyway, if this takes off, I expect to see a lot of very thin men walking around with very nervous looking girlfriends.

#GetAwayFromMeWithThatThing

Hi. I’m from one of the top seven families in Douglas but I’m marrying a Northsider for love. Bear with, bear with, he’s kind for a Norry and does this amazing thing with his tongue. (Hands off bee-atches, I saw him first!!)

The problem is he’s as old school as being polite to a waitress (imagine) and wants me to take his surname, Mahony. As you can imagine, this is pronounced Maaa-ny, you know the way they talk in their council houses.

Please advise.

– Monique, Maryborough Hill, I find it very hard to say no.

That makes two of us. Anyway, enough about guys who could pass for an Italian on Plenty of Fish.

I checked with my Posh Cousin if the name Mahony is a ‘you’re fired’ offence in the upper echelons of Douglas society.

She said it’s all about pronunciation in Cork,is there any chance your friend could get used to ‘Moany’. I said she’s well used to Moany, given what your man can do with his tongue.

#GroanyToo #WellJeal

Nightmare of a summer here in Chez Monica, we’re no longer a stinking rich couple after my Ken got a pay up or prison letter from the Revenue. (I’ll wait until after Christmas to leave him, no point in being a complete cow.)

Anyway, we had to fire the au pair and I had to get a part-time job. (Imagine!) If I can’t hide this from the wagons on my road, they’ll boot me out of their Blackrock Moms in Gym Gear group on WhatsApp.

Do you know if I can hire a nanny just to do the school drops and pickups?

– Monica, Blackrock.

My nephew from Sunday’s Well is a young entrepreneur, specialising in pop-up businesses and spending six months surfing in New Zealand because his father is a millionaire.

I said, where would be a good place to get your hands on an au pair.

He said try Crane Lane on a Saturday night, the place is full of them.

#Cheeky

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