Ask Audrey: A survey said Dublin was the best city in Ireland. What does Cork have to say about this?

Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for ages.

Ask Audrey: A survey said Dublin was the best city in Ireland. What does Cork have to say about this?

Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for ages.

Ciao, I went to the Patrick’s Day Parade in Cork last weekend so I could brush up against beautiful women by mistake and say “Forgive me, by coming for a pizza.” (It worked.) But as far as I could see, there were only two items in your parade — thousands of women screaming ‘we want the vote’ followed by something called ‘De Barracka’, which I think might have been a band. What is the story, I thought you already allowed women to vote here, even when they are not beautiful?

— Gino, Milan and Mallow, next year I am going to Dublin

Join the queue. I watched the parade from my usual spot on the South Mall, to make sure I didn’t have to brush up against a Norrie. The idea behind this year’s parade was to celebrate the 100 year anniversary of women getting the vote in Ireland. Honestly, it was about as entertaining as watching the Stations of the Cross in slow motion.

My cousin (doctor) is doing really well for herself up in Dublin. She told me she sends her Zach to play GAA with her local club Cuala in Dalkey, because more than 70% of the parents have a BMW. She said I should think about sending my Zach to Nemo Rangers in Cork. Then I turned on TG4 (by mistake) last weekend, and saw Nemo being hammered by some crowd called Corofin, which sounds like a type of seaweed. Do you think it’s OK to be associated with failure?

— Clodagh, Maryborough Hill, is there anything to be said for St Finbarrs?

They’re in Togher. (I presume that’s all you need to know there.) I asked my Posh Cousin if Nemo is an acceptable alternative to rugby or hockey for upper-middle class types. She said yes, if you don’t mind rubbing shoulders with people who are only painters or carpenters. I said that might be a problem. She said not if you want free advice for your new extension. Very sharp that way, the Posh Cousin.

Hey dude, I was so psyched about opening my company’s European HQ in Cork. (Our latest app takes all your data and sells it to Vladimir Putin for tonnes — how cool is that?) That was until this morning, when my assistant Geraldo threw open the drapes and announced, hey dude, a survey said Dublin is the best city in the UK and Ireland. I was like shocked, and not just because I thought they were the same country. So, bottom line baby, what does Cork have to say about this?

— Kylle with two Ls, San Francisco

I got my assistant, My Conor to look into that for you. He said Cork wasn’t included in that survey. I said, OK, so it was confined to super pretentious cities, full of out-and-out langballs. He said I don’t think that’s the case either. I said why? He said, there was no mention of Galway. He can be very cutting at times, My Conor.

My next door neighbour (married) started bouncing on his trampoline last night, just as I was polishing off my Pinot G. (None of that is a double entendre, before you ask.) Anyway, he gave me a wave during one bounce, and God knows what came over me, but during the next bounce, I decided to flash him a look at my boobs. (Not proud.) The next bounce seemed to take ages, but he was still there anyway and gave me a thumbs up. Do you think he wants to have an affair?

— Anne Marie, Ovens, my husband is always away. Isn’t it well for some?

Thanks for your insight into suburban living in Ovens. I’ve seen more sophisticated mating rituals on Monkey Island in Fota Wildlife Park. (Not to mention Tralee.) Would you believe it, the exact same thing happened to me, except our four-eyed neighbour gave my lovely ladies a thumbs down. My Conor was devastated when he heard the news, mainly because we had to dig into the kids’ education fund for a ten grand boob job. (So worth it.)

Hello old stock. Hoggy and myself got quite philosophical while celebrating the Grand Slam. (You know the way you’d get after 19 pints.) I said, Hoggy Old Stock, it’s time to pull up our socks and get our bodies beach ready for the old dolls in Crookhaven during the summer. He said, if only there was a way to we could do it while admiring a few of those said old dolls. I said, what about spinning, it’s a room full of yummy mummies in gym gear, and they can’t kick you out for perving? He said sign me up. What do you reckon?

— Reggie, Blackrock, no one can believe I’m 58

You sound about seven. I asked my GP what is the likely outcome when a borderline alcoholic, sex maniac in his late 50s takes up intensive exercise in front of a room full of women. He said a fit of the gawks. (I never knew that was a medical term.)

More in this section

Puzzles logo
IE-logo

Puzzles hub

Visit our brain gym where you will find simple and cryptic crosswords, sudoku puzzles and much more. Updated at midnight every day.

great irish summer

From walking and hiking, to day trips and camping, your guide to holidays at home in 2021

Lifestyle
Newsletter

The best food, health, entertainment and lifestyle content from the Irish Examiner, direct to your inbox.

Sign up