Few will be laughing with this milkman

The Calcium Kid stars Orlando Bloom as cheery milkman Jimmy Connelly who has one big goal in life - he dreams of becoming regional manager for the local dairy.

While waiting to reach these dizzy heights he drinks three pints of milk a day and works out at the local gym.

Britain’s latest big boxing hope, Pete Wright (Tamer Hassan), uses the same gym as he prepares for a world title fight against Mexican Jose Mendes.

Wright has been knocking sparring partners over like pins in a bowling alley until he is paired with the seemingly hopeless Jimmy.

But years of drinking milk have made Jimmy’s bones extra strong, something Wright finds out to his cost when he breaks his hand punching Jimmy’s head.

Boxing promoter Herbie Bush (Omid Djalili) is left with a problem. No Wright means no fight and no fight means no money.

He needs a replacement and surprise, surprise he picks Jimmy, hastily renamed The Calcium Kid, to take on the champion.

The rest of film follows the Kid as he prepares for the big fight, hindered at every turn by the stupidity of his inept manager.

Despite some realistic fight sequences and an excellent performance by Djalili, The Calcium Kid has one big flaw - it’s just not funny.

Orlando Bloom’s teenybopper fans may enjoy watching their hero prance around the ring, but I can’t imagine anyone else will.

Comedy, 15. 2/5.