Ask Audrey: 'Do you know how I might arouse myself?'

Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for ages

How’re oo goin’ on? Herself is after falling in with a group of swimming fanatics below in Rosscarbery and didn’t she rope me into a Christmas Day dip. To say it was cold is an understatement akin to suggesting they have slight notions about themselves in Innishannon. My poor maneen retreated into himself with the shock and is now refusing point blank to re-emerge. This is a matter of some urgency, as herself likes to suggest a bit of the other on New Years Eve, after two bottles of sparkling wine. Do you know how I might arouse myself? – Dan Paddy Andy, Bandon, I’ve tried looking at an old JWT brochure, but no dice.

You give new meaning to the word classy. I asked my My Conor what he fantasises about, when he needs a turn on. He said a divorce. I said OK, I’ll break it off with Leonardo. He said what about Pepe. I said if he wants to break it off with Leonardo, that’s his business. (My life got fierce complicated in 2017.)