Ask Audrey: 'Do you know how I might arouse myself?'

Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for ages

How’re oo goin’ on? Herself is after falling in with a group of swimming fanatics below in Rosscarbery and didn’t she rope me into a Christmas Day dip. To say it was cold is an understatement akin to suggesting they have slight notions about themselves in Innishannon. My poor maneen retreated into himself with the shock and is now refusing point blank to re-emerge. This is a matter of some urgency, as herself likes to suggest a bit of the other on New Years Eve, after two bottles of sparkling wine. Do you know how I might arouse myself? – Dan Paddy Andy, Bandon, I’ve tried looking at an old JWT brochure, but no dice.

You give new meaning to the word classy. I asked my My Conor what he fantasises about, when he needs a turn on. He said a divorce. I said OK, I’ll break it off with Leonardo. He said what about Pepe. I said if he wants to break it off with Leonardo, that’s his business. (My life got fierce complicated in 2017.)

C’mere, what’s the story with being a Norry in Crookhaven on New Year’s Eve. I scored with this posh old doll when were out on the 12 pub thing during Christmas. She do be doing English in UCC and says that I’m like Heathcliff, which as far as I know is a housing estate in Glanmire. Anyway, she invited me down to Crookhaven for New Year’s Eve, so we can ring in 2018 with her nobby friends from hockey. Do you think I should go like? – Proud Paul, Togher, I do be worried it will be like a circus.

And you do be the clown. There are a couple of things to watch out for. The first is the Crookhaven’s Early Warning Norry Invasion alarm, which detects when someone in white socks drives through Goleen. They had to modify this recently, because Norry hipsters have stopped wearing socks. (Imagine.) So now they have a scanner on the way into Crookhaven that detects if you know anyone called Derek. (Catches 99.9% of all known Norries .)

Hey there. I’m like home from Dublin for Christmas and loving that Cork is still so small and provincial, know what I’m sayin’? My boyfriend, Josh (Dublin posh) is coming down for New Years and I’d prefer if he didn’t meet any Northsiders. (He dumped his last girlfriend when he found out her cousin watched TV3.) Where would be a safe place to go for a romantic walk?

– Jenn, Ballsbridge and Douglas, I’m mad for him to pop the question, like.

I’d say you’re mad, full-stop. I checked with my Posh Cousin about this. She said Cultured Cork likes to take a stroll before 2pm. I said why. She said 73% of Norries are at home watching their English cousins on Jeremy Kyle. I said what about the other 27%. She said, still in bed I suppose, who cares as long as they’re not blocking my view of the Marina.

I’m being forced to visit Cork by this girl Jenn, roight. I have to go see her olds in some dead-end called Douglas and pretend they’re like from the same universe as my old man. (They don’t even own a racehorse.) She seems to think we are going to get married, leave Dublin, move to actual Cork, have a son and send him to some school for bogger upstarts called Prez. (??) I think we can safely agree that Jenn’s time with Josh is like totally up. (Calling it Jexit. IN LOVE with that phrase right now.) Is it OK to break it off when I’m down there?

– Josh, Ballsbridge, I’m worried her olds wouldn’t drop to the train station, and I’ll have to get a Joe Maxi by myself with like a Corky driver.

Don’t worry. Cork people are dying for an excuse to go visit the train station. You can drive in from Horgan’s Quay now, even though nobody actually wants to.

Hey dude. My spiritual guru told me that I need to turn a new leaf in 2018, just before I fired her and outsourced the work to some kids in a Shanghai sweatshop. (I call it spreading the love.) Anyway, I read the travel review of Cork in the New York Times last week and shouted, Karl with Two Ls, Dude, you got to move there, like yesterday. So, I’m going to go live with you guys and maybe start a cult, dedicated to improving life using my $3bn fortune. Where around Cork would be good for a guy like me?

– Karl with Two Ls, Santa Monica, you know I haven’t washed in two months?

Normally that would be my cue to suggest you’d fit in beautifully in Skibbereen. But I’m taking steps to become a better person in 2018, as part of a libel settlement with Kilmallock. So, for once, I’m not going to suggest a suitable town for a ridiculously rich person with zero morals. (Although I hear Kinsale is nice.)