You give new meaning to the word classy. I asked my My Conor what he fantasises about, when he needs a turn on. He said a divorce. I said OK, I’ll break it off with Leonardo. He said what about Pepe. I said if he wants to break it off with Leonardo, that’s his business. (My life got fierce complicated in 2017.)
And you do be the clown. There are a couple of things to watch out for. The first is the Crookhaven’s Early Warning Norry Invasion alarm, which detects when someone in white socks drives through Goleen. They had to modify this recently, because Norry hipsters have stopped wearing socks. (Imagine.) So now they have a scanner on the way into Crookhaven that detects if you know anyone called Derek. (Catches 99.9% of all known Norries .)
– Jenn, Ballsbridge and Douglas, I’m mad for him to pop the question, like.
I’d say you’re mad, full-stop. I checked with my Posh Cousin about this. She said Cultured Cork likes to take a stroll before 2pm. I said why. She said 73% of Norries are at home watching their English cousins on Jeremy Kyle. I said what about the other 27%. She said, still in bed I suppose, who cares as long as they’re not blocking my view of the Marina.
– Josh, Ballsbridge, I’m worried her olds wouldn’t drop to the train station, and I’ll have to get a Joe Maxi by myself with like a Corky driver.
Don’t worry. Cork people are dying for an excuse to go visit the train station. You can drive in from Horgan’s Quay now, even though nobody actually wants to.
– Karl with Two Ls, Santa Monica, you know I haven’t washed in two months?
Normally that would be my cue to suggest you’d fit in beautifully in Skibbereen. But I’m taking steps to become a better person in 2018, as part of a libel settlement with Kilmallock. So, for once, I’m not going to suggest a suitable town for a ridiculously rich person with zero morals. (Although I hear Kinsale is nice.)