Ask Audrey: The girls in the RCYC won’t bat an eyelid, what with all the Botox

Ask Audrey has been sorting out the people of Cork for years.

I am struggling to keep up with my girlfriend’s sexual fantasies. (She’s from Kinsale.) I just asked what she’d like for her birthday. She said she wants me to dress as Boris Johnson and shout tally-ho when we’re having sex. Do you know where I can get a blonde wig and a lobotomy?

– Kevin, Ballincollig, she has a thing for politicians.

Let me know if she fancies you as Theresa May. I can get you a good price on a robot outfit. I know how hard it can be keeping up with your partner’s outrageous demands on the sex front.

Only last night, My Conor arrived home and said I want you to stop sleeping with Italians. I said what about that new intern you’re always chatting with on WhatsApp. He said I want her to stop sleeping with Italians with as well. I said you must hate Italian men. He said he’s pasta all that. My Conor can be a good laugh when it suits him.

My cleaning lady came in yesterday and announced she and the family are going on a mid-term break to Tenerife. I immediately tried to give her a pay cut, but she started crying and threatened to ring somebody called Prendeville. (He’s popular with Norries, according to my assistant gardener.) Anyway, I read that this guy Elon Musk is planning rockets that can get you Cork to New York in 30 minutes. No Norries there I’d say. Do you know if they will be ready to book for Christmas shopping?

– Monica, Douglas Road, I can’t wait to see the faces on the girls in the RCYC.

I presume they won’t bat an eyelid, with all the Botox. I asked my Posh Cousin about rocket city breaks from Cork. She said they’re already the talk of the school drop in Pres and will sell out faster than you can say, “what exactly is the point of Blackpool Shopping Centre?”

How’re ‘oo goin’ on? Herself is after falling in with a pack of Catalan Separatists back in Killorglin. Didn’t she come the other night and say, “Stop trying to learn the rules of Connect 4 Danny Mike, we’re going to start a petition for an Independent Kerry, pronounced Kirry.” My main job now is to hang around Dr Crokes and see if I can persuade Colm Cooper to act as our leader. Do think the rest of the country will be okay without us?

– Danny Mike, Killarney, we plan to leave within three years.

I’m very sorry to hear that. Why not make it two? I think it’s a great idea, and not just because it gives Cork half a chance of winning the Munster championship. By going for a smaller man in President The Gooch, you have chosen the one person who can see eye-to-eye with Michael D Higgins.

On behalf of the rest of the country, I should warn you we will send armed riot police to Kerry, to make sure ye leave. Honestly, we’d be only too happy to help you put an X in the box. (Or as it’s known in Killorglin, signing your name.)

I’m having my first child, a baby boy next week. (Hugo, he’s already in Clongowes, they’d let anyone into Pres.) I can’t sleep at night, worrying that the woman in the next delivery room might have only gone to St Als. Imagine, Hugo arriving out to the sound of a strange woman screaming, “Aah! Aah!, I do be bursting for a cigarette.” Is there anyone I can pay to make sure I’m not surrounded by Norries?

– Fiona, Montenotte, I went to Scoil Mhuire.

That is the least surprising thing I ever heard. Having your baby in a Norrie-free zone has been a nightmare for posh Cork, ever since they stopped deliveries at the Bons. Your only hope at this stage is to go for a home delivery and pray to god they don’t send you a midwife from Farranree. (Poor Hugo might be traumatised.)

C’mere, what do be the story with everywhere in Europe except Cork? Ye might have yeer Eiffel Tower or Buckingham Palace, but none of them do be good enough to beat Spike Island in the World Travel Awards. (I see the Colosseum was also nominated. No surprise, I’ve always thought it was the best bowling alley on the northside.) Anyway, do you think yourself this is one of the best times in history to be from Cork?

– Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, I nearly forgot, in your face Dublin.

In fairness, the Guinness Storehouse won the award in 2015. I was up there with the Posh Cousin recently, in the Gravity Bar overlooking the city. It was amazing, you could see all the cool, socially engaged young techie types, tripping over sleeping junkies because they were too busy looking at their phones.

Great city. I don’t know much about the World Travel Awards. But the weather was obviously favourable when they visited Spike Island, which is another way of saying the wind wasn’t blowing from Cobh.