Ask Audrey: The Greasy Pole isn’t a guy from Warsaw who needs to wash his hair

Got a problem? Ask Audrey...

How’re oo goin’ on? Herself is clearly doing a great job as press liaison officer for Dunmanway Pitch and Putt Club. If you doubt this, then consider the following. Didn’t she get a phonecall from Washington DC last night, to inform her she is in the running to be communications director in the White House, after Trump got rid of your man who talks like Joe Pesci.

Anyway, we’re flying over Monday for a short interview. What do you think she should wear? – Joe Ger Joe Ger, head out towards Drinagh until you see a man practising his ‘howdy, partner.’

Judging by the way things are going in the White House, I think her best bet is to make it look like she went to Clown College.

This should be no problem for a woman from West Cork — just tell her dress like she’s going to a wedding. Honestly, you should have seen the Bantry woman at my nephew’s bash last year — she looked like she’d been attacked by a charity shop.

I was using Google Maps to snoop on my neighbour’s back garden yesterday, when who did I spot but my Reggie getting off with their cleaning lady?

He was devastated when I confronted him, as you can clearly see his bald spot. I’m torn between sharing the photo with our friends or asking him to buy me a BMW I8 with all the extras. What do you reckon? — Marjorie, Blackrock, I always insist on leather seats.

They’d be a nice match with your skin. I’d share the photo if I were you. A well-kept blonde driving a 100-grand sports car down the Blackrock Road just screams, “I caught my husband doing the dirt.” (Bear that in mind the next time you see one.)

Infidelity can be tough though. My poor Conor was devastated when he found out I was working my way through the staff of our local pizzeria. He said, it’s very hard. I said there is no point in talking dirty, I have to head out and meet Carlo, or is it Marco? That made him even sadder.

C’mere girl, this one at work from Bishopstown has invited me to her wedding next weekend. I was just in the hotel she’s using for the reception there and the price of booze do be brutal.

Do you think the nobby types from Bishopstown will look down at me if I smuggle in a bottle of vodka? — Geraldine, Ballyvolane, it does be costing me enough as it stands.

Sure, you’re probably on your third barrel of fake tan. (Do Norries drink it or what, like?) The posh crowd in Bishopstown look down on everyone, which is hilarious, when you consider most of them still have a grandaunt in Macroom with only one tooth.

I had a great time when I smuggled a bottle of gin into a wedding last weekend. My Conor said one more of them and you’ll be under the table.

I said two more and I’ll be under the best man. He laughed but I could see he didn’t find it funny.

Bonjour. Myself and my wife arrive in Cork this weekend for a little break. Where would be a good place to see some local customs? — Jean Luc, Bordeaux, I should mention we have an open marriage.

I should mention Kinsale. They have a regatta there this weekend. It’s where posh locals peer through binoculars on their yachts and say, “Have the common types gone back to Ballyphehane yet, Gordon?”

Meanwhile, back on shore they have traditional Kinsale games like the Greasy Pole and Swap the Wife. During last year’s regatta, I told my cousin in Belgooly I was heading down to Kinsale to see the Greasy Pole.

She said you mean the guy in work from Warsaw who could do with washing his hair. I said yes because you could be there all day trying to explain things to her. (“No, Jenny, it’s a pole by the sea, covered in grease.” “I know Audrey. His name is Pawel.”)

I LITERALLY CANNOT BELIEVE what is happening in my life right now!!! I was TOTALLY dating this guy from Ballincollig who was dead keen to show me off to his olds, because my pater owns half of Dalkey.

Anyhow, I arrived out there and started laughing because there was ANOTHER house stuck on the side of their house. Worse again, I pointed at the new Mercedes E450 parked outside their house and said, SORRY MAN, you hired that for the day just to impress me, and his old man went BRIGHT RED because it was TOTALLY TRUE.

Anyway, my boyfriend broke it off LITERALLY there and then. Can you like help? – Jenna, D4 and St Luke’s, he said I was a nob end.

He doesn’t mean it. He probably wanted to say you’re a toxic nob end, but was in too much of a rush to get away. SOZ!!