Ask Audrey - 'There is no such thing as a Kerry man with only small amounts of perspiration'

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Hello girl. I finds it hard to get turned on by me husband, because he do be constantly correcting my grammar. I’d a be telling him to stop, but he don’t pay no attention. Does there be any point in me taking lessons, I don’t know? — Marie, Mayfield, I’d a be worried he’d leave me for someone that speakens posher than me

I think I understand what you are going through, mainly because I ran your letter through the Norry-to-English filter in Google translate. I agree it’s a total turn off when someone is speaking down to you in a harsh manner (unless it’s ‘Sexy Sunday’ in our gaff and my Conor is head to toe in leather.) I asked my posh cousin if she could help you. She said she runs a conversion course for deserving Norries, where she will show you how to speak properly and cook something other than bodice. I said if you do that, no one in Mayfield will ever talk to Marie again. She said, ‘I know, lucky Marie.’

Hello old stock. I was down at Litfest in Ballymaloe last weekend and there wasn’t a Norry in sight. As I said to Marjorie, ‘if only it was always like this, Marge, I wouldn’t have to spend the summer hiding away below in Crookhaven’. Do you think it’s possible to have more safe-spaces for cultured people like myself around Cork? — Reggie, Blackrock, I’m the current holder of Least Snobby Man in RCYC

That’s like winning the Brains of Kilmallock. I hear that Litfest was a huge hit with members of the east Cork intelligentsia. Both of them turned out and they had their painting-by-numbers books with them and everything. The good news is the Norries will be busy most weekends, now that the Cork hurlers are back in business. The bad news is they could be busy down around Blackrock, if Cork gets to the Munster Final, because it will be in Páirc Uí Chaoimh. Still, it won’t involve Tipperary fans. So at least you won’t have to get up on Monday morning and wash your footpath with bleach.

How’re ’oo goin’ on? Herself is convinced that I’m having an affair with Dan Paddy Andy’s wife, when nothing could be further from the truth. (I’d sooner have it off with Dan Paddy Andy, and if you saw the man himself, you’d get a fair idea of the state of his wife.) Anyway, didn’t herself hire the services of a private detective in Killorglin and I’m lined up to do a lie detector test next Tuesday. Is there any cause for concern? — Mick Mike Malachy, head out beyond Killarney until you meet a man waiting for the return of the showband era

A lie detector test won’t work in your case, because it relies on detecting small amounts of perspiration. And as we all know, there is no such thing as a Kerry man with only small amounts of perspiration. I was going out with a guy from Listowel once. He said he could be hard to get hold of, sometimes. I said you’re not kidding, I’d have better luck trying to grab an eel.

Hey, how’s it going? My little Luke is five now and has started to ask some very awkward questions. He came home from school yesterday and asked if northsiders are people just like us. (They are doing some really weird stuff in religious education.) Anyway, I said the norries are certainly not like us; they wear Liverpool jerseys when they fly out to Lanzarote and probably think that ravioli is a centre forward at Inter Milan. Luke looked at me like I was crazy. How can I explain this to him? — Laura, the posh side of Maryborough Hill

Kids are hilarious alright. My nephew asked me the other day if Jesus went to Christians. I said they wouldn’t let him in because his father was only a carpenter. I checked with the Campaign for a Posher Cork. Their advice is to take Luke down to Garryvoe and ask him, is this really your idea of a holiday? It works every time apparently.

Hey dude. I’m flying into Cork next week with Wow Air from the States. I’m looking to open an office there for my company, we have this awesome app that mocks pizza delivery guys for being poor. Anyway, I’m stopping off in Iceland for a couple of days on the way home. Is that like a country or what? — Maxxx with three Xs, San Francisco, I’m crazee, with two Es

I’m allergic, with two Ls. My brutally honest aunt is just back after a short trip to Iceland. She said the scenery is gorgeous, all the locals are related to each other and you can’t understand a word they are saying. I said that sounds just like Dingle. She said not really, because it’s a tenner for a pint in Iceland. I said you’d barely get a pint of razza for that in Dingle during the summer. She said, exactly.