Ask Audrey: 'My wife gave up sex for Lent, I’m worried I’ll be over-excited on Sunday'

Ask Audrey has been sorting out the people of Cork for years.

An old college friend is visiting Cork this weekend and she is planning to call out to my house. The problem is I haven’t done very well in life and can only afford to live in the cheaper part of Douglas. (More like Turner’s Cross to be honest.)

Is it too late to rent a posh gaff?

- Denis, South Douglas Road, I’m a disappointment to my mother.

We all are. It’s part of growing up in Cork. My Posh Cousin from Maryborough Hill is away for the weekend (Schull), and said you can have her place for 800 quid. She said don’t worry about cleaning up after you, her au pair will do that when they get back, once she is finished clearing the gutters.

Oh, and please don’t park your car outside unless it’s worth over 80 grand. There is a new bye-law on Maryborough Hill now, preventing residents from owning a Renault. (Imagine.)

How’re oo goin on? Herself decided to give up sex for Lent, because she’s a demon without the chocolate. You could safely say I’m looking forward to Sunday.

My only concern is that I might be over eager on the day and reach my own conclusions before she scales the dizzy heights, as the fella says. Do you think you can help?

- Dan Paddy Andy, head out beyond Ballydehob until you pass a shop that sells Deasy Red Lemonade and nothing else.

You’re in luck – I recently made a short instructional video on just this topic. It’s called Wake Up You Useless Bogman, I’m Only Getting Started. It demonstrates numerous ways that a man like yourself can bring pleasure to a woman, starting with a 4-hour bath and a pedicure. (For you.)

It also has a section at the end which shows how to talk to a woman after sex. It turns out your modern woman wants a bit more than, “Jesus, that was grand altogether Nuala, I’ll have rashers for my breakfast.”

You have said some horrible things about Carrigaline in the past. But you must have heard about our new water-treatment plant, opened during the week.

Has this changed your mind and will you start recommending the area to tourists

- Eddie, Carrigaline, credit where credit is due.

Congratulations for no longer living in your own filth. I’m not suggesting there was a peculiar pong at low tide, down around your area. But we always knew if Uncle Paul in Crosshaven had a curry for his dinner the day before. In fairness, there are worse places around Cork harbour. It’s not like you live in Cobh.

And I have a recurring nightmare, where My Conor announces he lost a fortune on the slots and we have to move to Whitegate. But I’m not sure anyone should be promoting Carrigaline as a tourist hotspot.That’s a worse idea than opening a shop on the northside that doesn’t sell Rizla, white socks or Donkey’s Gudge.

My daughter brought her new boyfriend to my niece’s wedding last weekend. (Hayfield Manor.) He’s a lovely guy, as far as I can tell.

The problem is that isn’t very far, because he’s from Monaghan and it was hard to tell if he was talking or just sending signals to a sheep-dog. My daughter tells me his family is loaded (diesel smuggling, presumably), so I’m keen not to drive him away.

Is there an app that can translate what he’s saying?

- Moira, Blackrock, I have a sofa that’s worth more than your house.

I can hear it groan every time you sit down. I wouldn’t hold out much hope for an app to solve your problem. A team of super-nerds in Harvard used to boast there was no problem that couldn’t be solved by technology. And then they met a woman from Dundalk.

My rule with northerners is to smile away and nod after every second sentence. Unless it’s a hot guy from Donegal, in which case I nod after every second word. I’m yes all the way with those guys.

Bonjour. I am moving to Cork with my wife and kids next month for work, and would like to buy a house. I looked at some places online last week, while smoking some cigarettes, and noticed that you have Paris prices in your city.

Can you explain why your property is so valuable?

- Jean Luc, Lille, I am open to having an affair.

Pity you can’t afford a place in Kinsale. And trust me, you can’t. You probably heard about our last property bubble, where we all got rich selling houses to each other. We’re determined not to make that mistake again.

So, this time we’re trying to sell them to foreigners. I have an apartment in Wilton if you’re interested. In buying it that is, as against drinking a bottle of gin with me there some afternoon and getting jiggy with it in the shower. Not that I’m ruling anything out at this stage.