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How’re oo goin on? The wife has gone mad altogether and decided that we’re having goose instead of turkey for Christmas Day. Worse again, she’s after falling in with a crowd of radical feminists in Dunmanway, who have convinced her that I should be in charge of the vegetables. What do you think I should serve with goose? — Jer Dan Joe, take a right after Dunmanway and keep going until you see a shop that still takes Green Shield stamps.

The best thing to serve with goose is another goose, because there’s never enough to go around. My posh cousin went with goose three years ago, after someone in Sunday’s Well Tennis Club told her it’s a sign that you’re not a norry. She had her Hugo’s parents over for dinner and all, the father is as high as you can possibly go in the bank. There was barely enough meat for two of them, let alone four. She said it was nearly as embarrassing as a Dunmanway man trying to pronounce thirty-three.