I’m worried I’ll be too nervous to perform during threesome

Threesomes can be amazing, but they can also be a disaster, says Suzi Godson. 

Q. My girlfriend is keen that we try a threesome with another woman. I’m up for it, I think, but I am worried that I’ll be too nervous to perform. How can I ensure that it all goes smoothly?

A. The only way to ensure that it goes smoothly is to do your homework. Threesomes can be amazing, but they can also be a disaster.

The first thing you ought to consider is whether the reality of a threesome will live up to the fantasy.

A threesome with two women is every guy’s dream, but have you considered how you will feel if your girlfriend seems to enjoy making out with another woman more than you expected?

The same is true in reverse. If your girlfriend senses that you are more interested in the third, she may regret opening up the relationship.

Threesomes can bring up feelings of insecurity and jealousy, as well as raising questions or doubts about the same-sex partner’s sexuality, so you and your girlfriend need to agree on some ground rules in advance.

The most important rule is to make sure that no one is left out.

However, you may want to set some additional limits to protect your core couple relationship.

Some couples safeguard their intimate connection by allowing the third person only to watch.

Others restrict french kissing to the core couple or agree that there is no penetration with the third person.

Safe sex is a must and the two of you should also agree on some words to alert each other if one of you is feeling uncomfortable or left out.

I’m not going to focus on the needs of the third person because that’s another column entirely, but do think carefully about who you want your third wheel to be.

In a relationship between a couple, sexual attraction has to go only two ways. In a threesome, it has to go six ways.

That can be difficult to achieve, so if your girlfriend has someone in mind, it would be worth meeting up beforehand, to check that there is chemistry between all of you.

Some people find it easier to have a three-way with strangers because they feel it limits the possibility of jealousy or awkwardness afterwards.

There are several dating sites and apps such as 3nder, which are dedicated to threesomes. However, because male-female-female three-ways are so popular, single women are in high demand, so be prepared to wait to find the right person.

It should go without saying that there should be no videoing or photographs. It is also generally better for it to take place in a neutral environment, such as a hotel room.

It means that you protect your couple space and it makes it easier to wrap things up when the party is over.

Make sure to share your ground rules with your third in advance and discuss what you want to happen afterwards. You may want to hang out together until breakfast, but many couples prefer the third to leave as soon as the action is over so they can reconnect as a couple.

You probably will be nervous, but if you have talked it through enough beforehand, and your third is briefed and ready, the excitement of the experience and the additional stimulation should be enough to get you through.

Try to stick to positions that involve all three of you.

Don’t drink too much beforehand. It can help to dull any nerves, but too much alcohol impairs sexual function and it makes it less likely that you will remember, let alone stick to the rules.

Don’t expect the experience to go entirely smoothly. There will be awkward moments, embarrassing noises and collisions — which is why a sense of humour is essential.

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