Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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I see that Ikea is planning to open in Cork. I love their stuff, but obviously can’t be seen shopping in a place that’s popular with Norries. (Poor Reggie lost his parking spot in Monkstown Golf Club when he was spotted coming out of Dealz.) What do you think I should do? – Marjorie, Crosshaven, I hate the crowds down here in summer.

You should hear what they say about you. I’m very excited about Ikea in Cork myself. It’s great we won’t have to drive to Dublin any more just to buy two really cool looking lamps that hardly give off any light. There is a simple way to use a Cork Ikea to ram your wealth down other people’s throats. Just bring a megaphone. So when you see Maureen from the yacht club, you can roar, “We’re just furnishing our 18 apartments, the rent helps us to pay for the lads’ school tours in Christians. Did I tell you Reggie has two Range Rovers?”

C’mere, the old doll is after saying that I have to go and see the new Bridget Jones movie with her. Like, when I saw her huge knickers in the first show, it actually put me off sex for six months. What do you think I can do? – Dowtcha Donie, Blackpool, I wouldn’t be great at the old romance.

I’d say that’s an understatement. I’d never drag my Conor to a movie like that. And not just because I’m afraid it would put him off sex. (Although that is a factor.) The main reason is because I’d have to sit through it myself. I actually wrote a letter to the UN recently, asking that they designate romantic comedies as a cruel and unusual punishment. Come on, it’s usually 100 minutes of Anne Hathaway crying into her latte because men don’t find her attractive.

Sure that’s about as credible as a Dungarvan man claiming to have an IQ over 75.

Bonjour. I will be in Cork this weekend with my gorgeous wife. A friend tells me this is a very important time for your GAA. Where would be the best place to watch the big match? – Jean-Marie, I am incredibly unfaithful.

I am incredibly jealous. I can’t go anywhere these days because my Conor put a tracking device on my Louboutins. (They’re my scoring shoes, it just doesn’t work without them.) The best place to watch the big match this weekend is Clonakilty. Throw in is at 6pm on Saturday, get there early, there’s always a big crowd for Ballincollig against Castlehaven. You might hear talk of a match on Sunday between Dublin and Mayo. Like most sensible Irish people, I’ll be shouting for Dublin. Because if Mayo win there is a good chance that one of their biggest supporters will do a dance in Croke Park. Google “Enda Kenny Springsteen” to see how much that can hurt your eyes.

Hey man, I’ve developed this new app that allows you to shout at Chinese child labourers. It’s so cool and I’m opening an office in Cork because I don’t know what to do with my money. I’m in town from tonight, what do you think I should do? – Erikk with two ‘ks, San Francisco, I wear a hoody so people think I’m down to earth.

You’re only fooling yourself. It’s Culture Night tonight. This is a special time, where Cork people visit art galleries even when it isn’t raining. Here is your four step guide to Culture Night. 1: Go to Art Gallery. 2: Stroke your chin and repeat the phrase “very provocative” for three minutes. 3: Head into the pub next door. 4: Drink eight pints and tell everyone you’re an intellectual.

Guten tag. I was with my daughter in Fitzgerald’s Park playground yesterday when suddenly two women started shouting at each other. It turned out they were talking about their plans to go skiing. What is all that about? – Anna, Berlin and Ballinlough, then they shouted about Mount Mercy.

That’s posh Cork women for you. They have three settings for talking in public. The first is known as ‘tax whisper’, where they share tips on managing their finances. This involves quite a bit of flying to the Cayman Islands with their husband, who is often called Ken. (It’s such a shame Ireland is only a tax haven for multinationals, according to Ken). The second and most popular setting, called ‘holidays’ and ‘schools’, is the one you heard. The third setting is the scream when your one hears that Ken is after buying another necklace. For the au pair. He’s an awful man.