Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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I see that Ikea is planning to open in Cork. I love their stuff, but obviously can’t be seen shopping in a place that’s popular with Norries. (Poor Reggie lost his parking spot in Monkstown Golf Club when he was spotted coming out of Dealz.) What do you think I should do? – Marjorie, Crosshaven, I hate the crowds down here in summer.

You should hear what they say about you. I’m very excited about Ikea in Cork myself. It’s great we won’t have to drive to Dublin any more just to buy two really cool looking lamps that hardly give off any light. There is a simple way to use a Cork Ikea to ram your wealth down other people’s throats. Just bring a megaphone. So when you see Maureen from the yacht club, you can roar, “We’re just furnishing our 18 apartments, the rent helps us to pay for the lads’ school tours in Christians. Did I tell you Reggie has two Range Rovers?”