Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

Fri, 02 Sep, 2016 - 01:00

Bonjour. I am writing from the EU Commission to inform you that Apple owes you €13 billion. I hear that your government does not want this money but will have to take it anyway. How do you plan to handle this? - Dirk, Brussels, I am wearing an aftershave called Smug Satisfaction.

They must have run out of Gobshite aftershave. (My Conor loves that too.) I understand the Cabinet is open to taking the €13 billion. At least it will go some way towards paying for their pensions. There should be no problem taking the money while pretending we don’t want it. Irish people have been practising this for years at weddings, when someone offers to buy us a drink. “Ah no, stop, you’re a fright, get away out of that, you’re an awful man altogether, go on so, you twisted my arm, I’ll have a double brandy and ginger ale. And my wife will have a triple Cointreau while you’re up there. You’re an awful man.”

Ciao. I was walking through Douglas this morning and noticed a lot of beautiful women dropping their kids to school. Why were these beautiful women wearing sports gear, I thought that was just for Norries? - Gianluca, Bergamo and Ballinlough, is it possible to talk to these women without getting another barring order for harassment?

I wouldn’t try it. 67% of them are married to solicitors. You’ll be up in court faster than you can say, ‘Your eyes shine like Lake Garda, meet me on Level 3 of Paul Street Car Park for a quick rummage.’ These women are in fact wearing gym gear. Wearing it on the school run is their way of saying, ‘My Ken earns well into the six figures, so I don’t have to work.’ Poor Ken will have to fork out a lot of that to pay for counselling now. I can picture your beautiful women lying on the couch saying “Some Italian greasebag wrote into the Examiner and said I was a Norry. I’ve been crying non-stop for 72 hours.”

My daughter is getting married to quite the catch next week. His family are well known in yachting circles and I have it on good authority that none of them has ever been to Youghal. Anyway, I’m looking for ways to show that we’ve more money than them on the big day. What would you recommend? - Clodagh, Monkstown, my husband George is actually quite dim.

I know George from college, the word ‘quite’ is a bit generous there. The latest scam I’ve heard from posh Cork is called ‘No Idea.’ Here’s how it works. You keep banging on about your holidays, car and new necklaces. Your one, all nosey, says that must have cost you a fortune. You say no idea. Look at you all loaded. Whatever you do, don’t say ‘no idea, George looks after all that.’ It’s well known in yachting circles that George can barely count to seven.

Guten Tag. I was driving through Skibbereen during the week and saw huge crowds, flags and bunting. What was going on? - Herman, Munich, pull like a dog, it sounds a bit disgusting.

It is a bit disgusting, but no one is mentioning that because we are experts at ignoring things in Ireland. You drove into the O’Donovan brothers homecoming, they are famous for rowing. (A bit like myself and my Conor.

We had a huge row last night after I said I’d leave him if he couldn’t afford to buy me a house in Blackrock.) I hear there was a big Kerry crowd came over to Skibb for the festivities. They are mad looking for something to celebrate after Croke Park on Sunday. By the way, the O’Donovan boys love a plate of steak and spuds. Or as they pronounce it in West Cork, €21 before tip. They love the schhhhkelping.

How’re oo goin on? I have started getting a succession of emails from young Russian ladies living in my area. They all seem to know me, even though I can’t remember meeting the one of them. (Unless it was at Ger Mick Mary’s stag in Ennis when I got very drunk and woke up in Madrid.) I have agreed to meet one of these women in Dunmanway on Tuesday night. What do you think I should wear? - Jim Pat Eddie, keep going past Dunmanway until you spot a man that would remind you of Shrek.

I would normally recommend a clean set of underwear just in case. But that assumes you have a second pair and we both know that just isn’t going to happen.