Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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Hello old stock. I see in the paper this week that Ireland’s new Orient Express train will visit Cork this summer. Do you think I should bring my wife Monica for a spin, she’s just itching to show off the new pearl necklace I bought her in St Tropez? -Ken, Blackrock, I personally think there are too many Norries out sailing.

It’s terrible isn’t it, when they should be back on dry land painting your giant house. I can just picture the romance on this new luxury train. Buttevant sliding out of view in the rain, as the dinner carriage fills with the sounds of Cork people roaring, “He’s bound to get in, sure five generations of our family played for Sunday’s Well Tennis Club!”

My posh cousin has already booked a trip for over €5,000. She calls that price the Norrie-Stopper, because they’d rather spend it on a giant telly.

How’re oo goin on? I am in a permanent state of arousal after watching Women’s Volleyball in the Olympics. Herself won’t play ball because she’s sworn off bodily pleasure for August after falling in with a shower of hippies from Clonakilty. What would you recommend? -Din Matt Mary, turn right before Leap and maybe close up the windows in your car.

The Women’s Shot Put event is on this weekend. That should knock the taspy off you. The qualifying round starts late, so drink a cup of coffee to keep yourself up (no pun intended). Seriously, what better way to get into the Olympic spirit than to take an artificial stimulant? My Conor is getting great value out of the shower and hot-tub scenes in the Men’s Diving. It means he no longer needs to drive me down to Garrettstown so I can perv at surfers with my binoculars. (I’d be so lost without him.)

Guten tag. My wife and I arrive in Rosslare next week for our summer holidays. We then drive to the Dingle Peninsula, where we stay in a house owned by a man called Dan Paddy Mike. Where would be a good place to stop for lunch on this drive? -Jurgen, Hamburg, why does our host have three names?

I find that most things in Kerry are about getting extra headage grants from Brussels. Let’s just say he could be Dan, Paddy or Mike depending on which day you called. The key to driving from Rosslare to Kerry is to keep going until you see a sign saying ‘Welcome to Cork’. Otherwise you’ll end up in Waterford, where instead of an accent, they have the sound a Swedish man would make if he tried to speak underwater. And instead of food they have a glorified breadroll they call a blaa. So keep driving.

Bonjour. I am on a camping holiday in the south of France in my speedos (photo attached.) The Irish family next door seem very angry and go around all day in blue jerseys with the words Ath Cliath on the back. What is their story? -Didier, Bordeaux, is it normal for Irish people to drink beer for breakfast on holidays?

It is. We steer clear of the wine until after 12pm in case people think we’re alcoholics. Sorry about your neighbours from hell. Or Dublin, as we call it here in Cork. Don’t worry, they just need time to adjust from their normal environment of driving around the M50 all day and spending €7.50 on a scone. Thanks for the photo of you in your Speedos. It’s almost as terrifying as an invitation to an evening of culture in Killorglin.

My sister is after giving me a bag of hand-me-down clothes for my three-year-old, Ronan. The problem is she married beneath herself. It’s not that her husband is poor as such, it’s just that he’s from Youghal. So their clothes scream ‘we’re watching how we spend money.’ Which up here in Sundays Well translates as ‘my son will have no friends.’ What can I do? -Katie, I’ve never been to Lidl.

It’s a tricky one. My posh cousin had to fire her gardener after he bought a six-pack of onesies in Tesco for her new baby. It was either that or put the child in the onesie when your man came to cut the grass. Sure you’d never know who’d be watching. My advice is tell your sister you gave her bag of clothes to more deserving kids. Remember the golden rule for posh people in Cork — you can get away with anything as long as you say it’s for charity.