My wife’s weight is affecting our love life

Q. My wife’s put on a lot of weight in the past 10 years. It is affecting our love life as I no longer find her attractive.

Any tips that might bring back the magic?

A. The words “you” and “fat” should never be used in the same sentence when addressing any woman with whom you intend to have an ongoing relationship.

Stating the indisputably obvious might make you feel better, but take it from me, your wife already knows she is fat and she hates herself for it.

Every morning when she wakes up she feels the rolls of fat around her midriff and berates herself.

As she showers and washes between the folds of her flesh she loathes herself a little more.

As she brushes her teeth, she spits toothpaste at the jowly bloater that stares back at her from the mirror and then she dresses in one of two outfits, both black, that she thinks make her look fractionally thinner before heading to the kitchen to begin her miserable daily battle with fat, carbohydrates, and calories.

If it makes her so unhappy, why doesn’t she do something about it, you ask? It’s a fair point.

Going on a diet and taking some exercise should be a no-brainer for all fatties, but unfortunately, the connection between intellectual masochism and physical motivation is not straightforward.

Your wife may hate the size of her ass, but that won’t necessarily be enough to get her off it.

It is partly to do with unrealistic goals. Instead of accepting that it took her 10 years to put the weight on and it might take her five to get it off, she loses heart after five weeks on a diet and winds up back where she started, except that this time she feels like a failure, too.

The fact you don’t feel attracted to her has probably not gone unnoticed, but it may be something of a relief to her. Overweight people rarely feel comfortable about physical intimacy.

When Martin Binks, a clinical psychologist and director of behavioural science at Duke University, North Carolina, studied 1,210 overweight people, he found that four out of every 10 reported physical problems with sex.

Both men and women suffered from lack of sexual desire and enjoyment along with hampered performance. And many reported avoiding sex entirely.

You may also need to accept a modicum of responsibility. If she’s cooking steak and chips for you every night, chances are she’s eating steak and chips, so if she is going to diet successfully, you will need to make changes, too.

The same goes for exercise. If you want her to stick with an exercise regimen, making dinner or volunteering to put the kids to bed will make it easier for her to find the time to get to the gym. Better still, go with her.

A study by the University of British Columbia found that 20 minutes of exercise improved sexual response in the female participants compared with no exercise at all.

Once your wife gets started she will find that success is self- propelling.

And the good news for you is that the Duke study indicates that weight loss of as little as 10 % boosts confidence and improves sex.

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