Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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Guten tag. I will visit Cork next week with other members of my brass band. Is there any where I could go to watch your county in the hurling ball game? - Jurgen, Dortmund, I have an elaborate moustache.

So do I if I don’t keep it under control. The best place to watch Cork hurling is on a TV show called Reeling in the Years. Choose any year up to 2005 and there is a good chance you will see us winning a match. We’re out of it this year after losing to Wexford. That’s worse than coming second to a worm in the high jump. In case you are wondering, Wexford is a county full of strawberry growers that is sometimes known as the Sunny South East. That would be the most hilariously misleading name in Ireland, except Limerick is applying to be European Capital of Culture! Imagine!

Hey there. I’m moving to Cork for work in a few months and am on the lookout for a super-great place to settle with my family. What can you tell me about Carrigaline? - Mel, Chicago, I smile even when I’m really sad.

I’m afraid I can’t tell you anything about Carrigaline. The judge said I was on my last chance after the last time and he intends to come down very hard on incitement to hatred. (He was from Tipperary, judging by the smell off him.) What I can say is that Carrigaline has come a long way since it was the answer to, “Where do you buy when you can’t afford a house on the northside?” If you do decide to buy there, remember to give your address as “Down by Crosshaven.” That’s a nearby seaside town with delusions of grandeur. As if there’s any other kind of seaside town in Cork. (Hello to all my friends in Kinsale and Schull!)

C’mere, my old doll turned off the box after the Euros final and suggested we have a conversation. Worse still, she said it can’t be about the state of Cork hurling, Ronaldo, or the way you never get a scoop of chips in a southside chipper. What do people talk about these days when there is nothing on telly? - Dowcha Donie, I’d talk about my emotions but I don’t think I have any.

I know what you mean Donie. My Conor has only two emotions — hunger and tiredness. He really is a man of hidden shallows. If there is nothing on telly in our house, I usually start a conversation about getting a Netflix subscription. We’ve been married for 11 years. So the minute I start talking about something, I remember we had the same conversation in 2007 and it ended up in relationship counselling. I hope now I’ve been some help.

My sister can’t pass Penney’s without buying cheap clothes for my two children. I’m not surprised really because she married a brute from the poor part of Innishannon. (It’s well hidden.) If I let my kids out in these clothes, the members will be queuing up to laugh in my face the next time I go to Douglas Golf Club. What should I do? - Penny, Maryborough Hill, not one of the estate houses. (Obviously.)

Why don’t you join one of those rural golf clubs for the lower orders? I hear they’d leave anyone into Macroom. (Keep an eye out for the man who coined the phrase “The town that never reared a fool” and tell him he has a great sense of humour.) I sympathise with your plight though. It’s awful to see a family member marry for love rather than hooking a pot-bellied bore with two yachts and a Range Rover. (My regards to your husband Ken.)

How’re oo going on. I’m having fierce trouble with tourists who want to have one of them selfies taken with me. Is there any way I can get them to stop? -- Ed Mick Mary, take a right outside Glengarriff and drive on until you see a man wearing a Frankie Says Relax t-shirt. (See enclosed photo.)

Change your t-shirt to say “Selfies €10.” That should put off the young people because they don’t want to pay for anything anymore. Older tourists will stay pay for a good photo.

It’s a bit like long go, where a mad looking culchie would charge tourists to take a photo of him and his donkey. Well, you look like his donkey. (No offence.) I’d strongly recommend a trip to the barbers. Particularly if you can find one with a set of sheep-shearing equipment.

The best place to watch Cork hurling is on a TV show called ‘Reeling in the Years’. Choose any year up to 2005 and there is a good chance you will see us winning a match