Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

Got a problem? Ask Audrey...

What’s the crack? How are ye below in Cork after we bate the livin’ daylights out of ye in Thurles. Myself and the lads are thinkin’ of coming down this weekend to give ye some Tipperary lovin’. What do you reckon, Audrey? – Padraig, I love Bubbles.

I reckon I’d rather eat Donald Trump’s vomit. In fairness Padraig, I find it hard to take any team seriously when one of their best players is named after Michael Jackson’s monkey. Mind you, I was glad to see the weather in Thurles at the weekend. I’d say a lot of ye locals were in need of a decent shower. I won’t be around Cork this weekend either way. I’m off to see Bruce up in Dublin.

And yes, I know, it might be the only chance I get to visit Croke Park this summer, you cheeky Bubbles lover.

Bonjour. I am flying into Cork next week with my wife. I see from the map that I can either drive the Wild Atlantic Way or something called Ireland’s Ancient East. Which one do you think is best? –Jean-Claude, Paris.

Let me put it this way. Ireland’s Ancient East includes a place called Carlow. It is impossible for me to say anything about Carlow without getting a solicitor’s letter. The Wild Atlantic Way is the way to go. For one thing, you can avoid the Airport Road roundabout when you’re straight off the plane. It’s packed with panicky bogmen roaring, “Crysht Mary, I told you we should never have left Lish tole.”

So turn right when you come out of the airport and head for Kinsale. Its motto is ‘Come for the Food, Stay for the Wife Swapping.’ No wonder it’s always been so popular with the French.Bonchance!

How’re oo goin’ on? I’m doing a line with a lovely woman. She said she has always been a big fan of the old porn to liven things up in the bedroom. This is no surprise, as she comes from Bantry. Those people don’t know the meaning of the word taboo. Anyway what is the best way for me to watch the porn? –Ger Mick Mattie, keep going beyond Dunmanway until you are not sure if the smell is inside or outside the car.

I think the best way for you to watch porn is to move to Cork. Trust me, you wouldn’t want to be relying on rural broadband. My Conor and I decided to watch a certain movie on the Friday night of a dirty weekend in Glengarriff. By the time things started hotting up with the naughty nurse, it was Saturday afternoon. You’d get more turned on at a swingers’ party in Carrick-On-Suir. And that’s saying something.

Our gardener is a frightful Norrie. My son Hugo spent five minutes talking to him the other day and now I can’t get him to stop saying ‘nice wan’. This is bound to affect his chances of getting into Pres. What do you think I can do? –Deirdre, Blackrock Road, I married for money.

You could try Christians. I hear they’re letting all sorts in now that they’ve started playing hurling. Yours is a common problem for people who are too posh to push a lawnmower. It’s impossible to find a gardener who speaks like themselves. (I presume you’d rather go on holiday to Youghal than ask Hugo to do it.)

There is only one solution to this. See if you can hire some fella from Tipperary or Waterford to do the job. At least that way Hugo will learn a new language. Just don’t get upset when he starts calling you sham.

Like totes, how’s it going? I’ve been working in the Cork office now for two months and the goys in Dublin said it’s high time I found my own apartment. I took a look online and the rents are like, mentalissimo. Where would be a good place for a rave-a-licious Dublin 4 gal with attitude to burn? –Kimmy, I’m amazeballs.

It doesn’t really matter where you rent. As long as it isn’t near Ballinlough. Seriously, do all young Dublin 4 types talk as if they are getting a course of electric shock treatment? (No offence.) I’ve heard that rent is a problem alright.

You could share, but your poor roommate would have to waste all the money saved on a decent set of ear-plugs. (No offence.) My posh cousin actually went to view a place in Fermoy last week. She said the smell was terrible.

I said local slaughter house. She said no, local landlord.