Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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Guten Tag. I don’t watch the Irish news because the weather at the end is so depressing. But someone at work said that I should stop my Irish Water direct debit. Apparently they are scrapping it and the only winners are the people who didn’t pay it, because they got a €100 conservation grant. This couldn’t be true because you Irish are not nincompoops. What is actually going on? — Matheus, Berlin and Wilton.

We’re nincompoops. At least the people who paid the charge are. I’m just worried how it will affect our water supply. Imagine what it must be like to go weeks without a shower. Or ask a Dungarvan man, and he’ll tell you first hand. Don’t hesitate to mention this water debacle to your friends back home. It would be great to see the Germans coming back to run the country again. I know we didn’t vote for ye. But we didn’t vote for Enda Kenny either.