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I forgot about Mother’s Day this year because I can’t help admiring my new set of boobs. Anyway, I started ringing around to book a place for Mum, but no one would guarantee we wouldn’t be placed next to a table full of Norries. (You can just imagine them trying to get us to join in their singsong.) Do you have any tips? — Becky, Montenottte

Have you considered cooking a meal for her yourself? You know that thing called an Aga in your €45,000 kitchen? Well that can actually be used to heat up food in such a way that it is palatable to humans. I’m sure one of your nannies will know how to work it. Although you might be better off getting the caterers in. The last thing you want is an Irish mammy ‘not complaining’ about the muck you serve up to her. “It still beats sitting next to some ‘Mam’ from Togher,” says she, only barely meaning it.