Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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We’re in communion dress buying mode here for our darling Fiona. It’s tricky to get the balance right. I want her dress to scream ‘we’re loaded and not from the northside.’ Is that possible? — Rachel, Rochestown Road, I’m thinking of getting a pair of Hunter Wellies for the dog.

Nobody with any sense is spending money on communion dresses these days. I hear a woman from Midleton pinned a cheque for five-grand on her daughter’s dress last year.

It completely backfired. Everyone agreed she had terrible taste, even for Midleton.

I think you would be better off focusing on the real meaning of holy communion. An opportunity to dip yourself in mahogany and spend three grand on a slutty outfit so you won’t look out of place in the church full of moms who should know better.

Try not to give too many hot dads the eye on the big day. You don’t want people to think you’re from Kinsale.

Unless you are. In which case, keep away from my Conor.

Hello old stock. A six-pack of edible knickers and a ‘sex-toy’ addressed to my neighbours were delivered here by mistake on Wednesday. What do you think I should do? — Tony, Model Farm Road, I’m retired but not retiring if you know what I mean.

I know exactly what you mean. Which is why I have a bit of vom in my mouth right now.

Why don’t you invite them over?

Sounds like it could get interesting after a few glasses of red. Or deliver the package yourself and see what comes up, says you. (I dropped a mis-delivered pair of handcuffs over to my French neighbours once and didn’t come home for a week.)

Don’t walk, take the car. I knew ye have very long drives on the Model Farm Road.

I can’t think of anything more off-putting than opening the door to a 70-year-old trying to catch his breath. I once saw a group of Kilmallock men wearing Speedos.

Guten Tag. My wife and I were in Cork last weekend. The streets were full of drunk people by 8pm, falling all over the place. What festival is this that you were celebrating? —Gunther, Berlin, my wife was shocked by the way your young women were dressed but I liked it very, very much!!!

We call this festival Saturday Night. It was off the menu for a few years because your government said we very bold and shouldn’t be given any money.

As a result, we all stayed at home and drank cheap vodka from one of your discount supermarkets. Now things are alright again, we drink it in the cab on the way into town.

Sure no one ever said we were complicated. (If you could find a way not to tell Angela Merkel we’re back partying, that would be great. Xx)

I dropped my Fionn to a play-date on the Skehard Road the other day. It was semi-detached houses and 2012 Nissan Qashqais as far as the eye could see. How do people live like that? Worse again, Fionn came home starving because his friend’s mom didn’t have any organic avocados. How can I stop him from ever seeing these people again? — Leoni, Douglas Road, I’d hate for people to think I was a snob.

You’d be doing well if they just thought you were a snob.

I thought I’d never say this to someone living in Cork, but I think your best bet is to move to Dublin. The southside there is jam-packed with outrageous social climbers according to my sister. (She’s one of them.)

I phoned her there and asked what she’d do if she saw a 2012 car parked on her road. She said she’d ring the guards. And who could blame her?

I left my four-year-old playing with my phone and she managed to friend an old boyfriend on Facebook. He responded with a photo of his penis. — What do you think I should do? Laura, Lee Road.

Any chance you could forward it on? I’m collecting photos for a thoughtful exhibition in the Crawford Art Gallery called ‘A Long Hard Look at Cork Manhood.’

Only messing. I’d like the photo because I’m a complete perv!

I know it can be hard for parents when it comes to mobile phones and their kids. There is a temptation to put the bloody thing away and try to talk to them. But who in their right mind would want that?

As I said to my Conor the other night, “I already have enough of trying to make conversation with a cranky simpleton, with you around the house.” He didn’t answer because he was trying to get on to the next level of Angry Birds.

That game is single-handedly saving our marriage.