Agony aunt Ask Audrey is solving all of Cork’s problems

Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years...

I’m getting married next year and we are planning to tie the knot abroad. Obviously I want to go someplace where we won’t be holding the ceremony next to a bunch of norries or culchies. (Daddy is very high up in insurance.) Where would you recommend? – Rebecca, Monkstown.

Have you considered the moon? Sorry, but there is no avoiding your fellow Irish man or woman when you are abroad. My brother was on a trip deep in the Amazon last year, when a he met a fellow in a Monaghan jersey paddling a canoe. “How’re you goin’ on horse”, your man shouts at my brother, “you wouldn’t know the half-time score in the Ulster final?” My brother pretended to be from Belgium and rowed straight past him. The cheek of a Monaghan man stopping a Cork guy as if they had something in common.

Ciao. I am visiting Cork next week and would obviously like to spend as much time as possible trying to get off with beautiful, beautiful women. My strategy in other places is to travel around on the bus and chat them up. Will this work in your town? – Leonardo, Milan, coming to Cork soon ladies.

Not if you go around saying Cork is a town, Leonardo. Unless you like the sound of women shouting, “Where do you think you are boy? Clonmel?” Anyway, the buses. The number 203 (AKA ‘de tree’) goes from Ballyphehane to Farranree. I can hardly make out what the women are saying on that, so you won’t have a hope. The 207 goes from Douglas. The good news is they speak posh on that route. The bad news is they won’t be speaking to you because they’ll be too busy shouting “Charlie got a huge promotion so we’re off to Mauritius” into their phones. Not that there’s anyone on the other end of that call.

How’re oo goin’ on? I’m getting married next year and herself said I have to lose 15kg or it’s no dice. I’ve heard about this Paleo Diet. What’s the story there, Ask Audrey? – Timmy, Tralee.

My name is actually Audrey. Ask Audrey is the name of the column. It’s fairly simple. Like yourself I’d say, Timmy. Anyway, the Paleo Diet is based around the foods eaten by barbaric, primitive cavemen. So it’s an idea for anyone from Kerry. The idea is to get rid of processed food and grains and go back to eating fruit, vegetables, meat, nuts and seeds. They say it’s a great way to lose weight and live a healthy life like our caveman ancestors though they tended to die at the age of 23. So maybe just take Dominos off speed-dial and take up jogging. Because I doubt your partner wants to marry a caveman. Although, by the sounds of things, she’s going pretty close.

Hola. I am having a great time here, working and living in Cork since I moved over from Malaga. However, due a rare skin condition, I am unable to kiss any boy with a beard. This is a problem because every boy in Cork has a beard and now I am scoring even less than a nun. What can I do? – Marcia, Ballintemple.

Have you considered kissing a woman? You’re nothing these days, if you’re not a polysexual. (And I’m not talking about a horny parrot.) The beard thing is a problem all right. They’re fierce popular here because Cork men would do anything to be more like Roy Keane. Other than train five days a week and actually look like sex on a stick. My Conor grew one and asked did he remind me of anyone. I said yes, Dana International when she won the Eurovision. He sulked around the place and didn’t talk to me for an entire week. Now that did remind me of Keano.

My daughter came home last week with her new boyfriend. He’s from Offaly. You can imagine our devastation. We slave to send her to Scoil Mhuire and she settles for a guy who can lick snot from his nose with his tongue. (He showed us this over dinner in Hayfield Manor. I had the lobster. Divine.) I’m not even sure if he speaks English. What can we do? –Lillie, Mount Oval.

Could you not give him a handkerchief? Although the subtle approach rarely works with people who grew up so far from the sea. I have a friend might be able to help. He rescues Cork women who have fallen under the spell of bogmen. There’s nothing sinister in it. He’ll even drop your man back to Tullamore or wherever, so he can be among his own people. I’ll tell him to charge you double because you’re clearly loaded. I hope you don’t mind.