Agony aunt Ask Audrey is solving all of Cork’s problems

Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years ....

Bonjour. I am considered quite plain back home in Bordeaux, but here in Cork the men are all over me a like a cheap suit. There is so much to be said for a tan. Anyway, a few weeks ago I went to Crosshaven and it had been taken over by people with red hair. It was like a horror movie. What was going on? — Nanette, Ballinlough

You obviously stumbled on the redhead gathering. I hope you didn’t make too much noise because they don’t like to be disturbed when they are mating. Scientists believe that redheads will shortly become extinct, so they like to meet once year in Crosshaven in an attempt to prove them wrong. For any foxy-haired readers out there, I’m only messing. Some of my best friends are redheads. Although I’ve never slept with one. You have to keep your standards up as well.

I caught up with a few parents at the first school drop-off on Tuesday morning. It was great to be back around genuinely rich people again. They’re letting all sorts into Baltimore these days. Anyway, this stick-insect from Monkstown blew us all out of the water with her month sailing around the Seychelles. Can you recommend a trip I to get back at her? — Carla, Douglas Rd, our gardener has a gardener, we’re that rich.

It’s all about New York this year Carla. I hear the Christmas shopping runs have stared already. Apparently you can’t walk down Fifth Avenue without bumping into someone called Clodagh from the Blackrock Road who wants to show you her new boob job. My advice is go now, and then again in November to return the $400 pair of jeans in Macy’s for a smaller size. That will hurt your stick insect friend on a number of levels. Make sure you fly out of Dublin. As we all know, the glamour of a trip to New York disappears once you drive down the main street in Charleville.

My daughter is starting college below in Cork next month. She doesn’t have to pay much for the fees thank God, even though my farm covers half of south Limerick. You have to love the grant system. Anyway, we’re going to head down with her next week to find a flat. Where is a good place for a nice country girl to live? — Ger, just outside Kilmallock.

I’ll tell you one thing. The last place a nice country girl wants to live is just outside Kilmallock. I’d say it’s about as exciting as a Basket Weaving Convention. Cork is divided in two by the river Lee. Bit of Geography for you there, Ger. The best thing I can say about the northside is that it’s better than Kilmallock. But you could say that about anywhere. Your lovely girl is better off among kind and refined southsiders like myself. In fact, I have a room going at the moment for two grand a month. Don’t be holding back now Ger. We know you can afford it.

Guten Tag. I am in Cork at the moment for work. Obviously I haven’t a clue what you people are saying to me most of the time. One word that everyone seems to be using at the moment is wazee. What does that mean? — Kurt, Berlin and Carrigaline

I think you’ll find the correct spelling is wazzy. It’s the local word for wasp. We had to lengthen it to wazzy because Cork people find it very difficult to pronounce a word with only one syllable. That’s why we usually refer to the city as CorkLike. The wasp is a small, cranky creature that flies around annoying people. It is also known in certain circles as Michael O’Leary. I’m sure in Germany people react correctly by ignoring a wasp. We prefer to scream “mind da wazzy, mind da wazzy” and run around in a circle like they used to do at the end of Benny Hill.

I was reading there that we might be getting an Indian Summer. Where is the best place to enjoy it? — Mike, Dingle

I’d say India would be your best bet. I wouldn’t be relying on any promises about the weather. I hear the government is forcing Met Eireann to drop a few positives into the forecast, in case everyone leaves the country and there’s no one left to pay for the ministerial pensions. That said, there is always a chance we’ll get two days without rain and decide to call it a heatwave. In which case, here’s my advice: There is a good chance you haven’t looked at your feet since April. Particularly as you are from Kerry and probably only have a shower twice a year. So make sure to clip those toenails before you head out without socks. Because the billy goat look never works for us women. Not even ones from West Kerry.

I’m sure in Germany people react correctly by ignoring a wasp. We prefer to scream “mind da wazzy, mind da wazzy” and run around in a circle