Agony aunt Ask Audrey is solving all of Cork’s problems

Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years...

Agony aunt Ask Audrey is solving all of Cork’s problems

My 11-year-old, Hugo, is upset that the Cork footballers and hurlers were beaten last weekend. Now he wants to take up both sports. I’m devastated. All the money we spent sending him to Christians, and now he wants to hang around with muck shovellers who will probably end up as junior managers in an insurance company. What can I do? (Lorna, Sundays Well)

You better get used to Hugo saying, “No fault Paudie boy” and spitting on his hands. You’ll be the laughing stock of Sunday’s Well Tennis Club! If he plays a lot of football, you’ll end up spending loads of time down around West Cork. Culture shock for you there Lorna, because I’d say your only previous experience of the natives is when you are rude to them in the shops around Crookhaven. But look, I’d say this to you, Hugo and the people of Cork, it’s disappointing that we are out of the hurling and football by the end of July, but it’s not like to we woke up this week to discover we live in Limerick.

I registered my name on that Ashley Madison site for married people who want an affair. The people who hacked the website are threatening to release the information and my old doll isn’t exactly known for her easygoing temperament. Any advice? Or would you like to go for a drink to talk about it? (Lorcan, Dungarvan

I’d love to go for a drink, Lorcan. Just not with you. Things aren’t so bad yet that I have to settle for a snake from Dungarvan who still uses the term ‘old doll’. Unless I open the second bottle of pinot grigio, and then all bets are off. I actually registered on the site myself after my husband Conor said I reminded him of that Jean Byrne that does the weather. The cheek of some people. Things were going grand and flirty with some guy called Derek until he suggested we meet in a hotel outside Kilmallock.

Ciao. I am coming to visit Cork with my girlfriend next week. I hear it is a city with great waterways. What would you recommend? (Marco, Venice)

The cheek of you, saying you come from Venice. Don’t you know the correct term for your home town is the Cork of Italy? The north channel of the river Lee is recognised as one of the world’s great urban kayaking routes, as long as a norrie doesn’t throw a shopping trolley on your head. I was in Venice last year and the smell was nearly as bad as Kinsale with the tide out. I have only one thing to say to people who keep banging on about St Mark’s Square — wait until you see the Grand Parade. You won’t find any gondolas in Cork, but if you really want locals to bring you around in a traditional form of transport at rip-off prices, you’ll need to head for Killarney.

Hola. I have just moved here from Madrid. Where can I go to eat traditional Irish food? All I can find in Cork is tapas places and I had enough of that at home. (Maria, Glasheen Rd and Madrid)

Didn’t anyone tell you? Tapas is the new official cuisine of Ireland. I know it’s weird that most Irish restaurants now serve Spanish bar food. I doubt it will happen in reverse. It’s hard to imagine Spanish restaurants serving up toasted specials and purple Snacks.

I think your best bet is get an Irish boyfriend and wait for him to bring you home to Mammy. The good news is that she will fire good old-fashioned meat and two veg into you. The bad news is she’ll keep whispering, “Why can’t he get his hands on an Irish girl?”

My girlfriends and I have always been saying we must visit Cork, but with so much going on here in Dublin, it’s just such a wrench to drag ourselves away to the sticks! Anyway, we’re finally coming next weekend So, what would you recommend? (Carina, Ballsbridge, Dublin 4)

I recommend you get used to the phrase “C’mere, what’s with the American accent?” I hear that Cork is proving very popular with Dublin ones these days. I suppose it must be nice to for ye to finally meet a man who can pass a mirror without stopping to adore himself.

I’ve bad news for you Carina. The class of Cork people you’re looking for have all hightailed it to Crookhaven so they can drop hints to each other about their net worth. The only people left around town in August are social climbing types from Ballincollig.

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