Television’s larger than fiction leading characters

As Don Draper makes his return this week, John Daly picks TV’s most memorable characters, many of them so influential, we forget they never actually lived.

IF STAYING in really is the new going out, chances are this change in social habits is down to our favourite TV characters. With television now muscling out cinema as the best entertainment option, much of the attraction likely revolves around our favourite characters — those larger than fiction creations who almost seem real after six or seven seasons. Part of our attraction to the leading men and ladies of 2014 is often about their inner demons — more flawed than flawless, more immoral than moral, and frequently with mean streaks as shocking as they are attractive. In honour of the return of Don Draper tomorrow night, we pay homage to famous people who never actually existed.

Don Juan of the Martini

Don Draper is a Mad Men chain-smoking philanderer, part-time alcoholic and seriously good liar when it comes to getting what he wants. Despite a list of personality negatives that will never see him named as Husband of the Year, this Madison Avenue ad man is TV’s sharpest dresser, the kind who wears stubble and a rumpled linen suit better than any GQ model could manage. Whether it’s the smouldering looks, the sharp suits or making ciggies look sexy, Don’s got the confidence to Go Big every time, and always walk away a winner.

Best line: “Please, I’m trying to drink.”

High Note Soprano

Partly responsible for launching the whole anti-hero theme, Tony Soprano was a mob boss with attitude — and who never missed a weekly audience with his shrink. Whacking the opposition with a bullet or piano wire came easy to Tony — as did back room action with the strippers at Bada Bing. Underneath the tough guy, though, Tony loves his family, battling depression at the road he’s chosen. A tough guy? — no question, but one very conflicted, and interesting, Mafioso.

Best line: “All due respect, you got no f——-g idea what it’s like to be Number One. Every decision you make affects every other f——-g thing. It’s too much to deal with almost. And in the end you’re completely alone with it all.”

Wired to the Street

If any of us ever need a cop in a hurry, chances are we’d opt for The Wire’s Jimmy McNulty — a street smart lawman ever dedicated to helping the little guy. At odds with his superiors, inclined to whiskey binges and the odd Irish ballad, Jimmy’s surely never going to network or brown-nose his way to the top. He may be a cave man in the romance department, with a dress sense quite a few rungs below Don Draper, but he will come running when you ring at three in the morning — if he can only find his pants.

Best line: “See, that’s what I don’t get about the drug thing. Why can’t you sell the s—t and walk the f—k away? Everything else in this country gets sold without people shooting each other behind it.”

Meth’s Celebrity Chef

Faced with a terminal cancer diagnosis, mild mannered chemistry teacher Walter White did what few of us would consider to provide for his family after his death — become the biggest meth cook in the American South West. Another loving family man drawn deeper into a deadly criminal underworld, he transformed from sympathetic loser into a diabolical mastermind, every bit as cruel as the villains populating that violent underbelly of the sunshine belt.

Best line: “I’m not in the meth business. I’m in the empire business.”

Girls Aloud

Hannah Horvath is living the life. A 24-year-old aspiring writer sharing a pad in Brooklyn, she’s biting off chunks of the fabled Big Apple and discovering some of them don’t taste that great. This is no ‘girly’ girl, more a trash talkin’, my generation, Kama Sutra kinda gal. Trying to make her way in the sea of possibilities that is New York, but frequently coming up empty-handed, she’s the updated version of the American Dream — complete with a Starbucks frappucino and neurotic love life.

Best line: “I’m letting you know that it is okay to act on this fantasy because I am gross and so are you.”

Bipolar Opposites

Does the description unhinged, uncooperative and unmanageable fit your average CIA agent? When you’re Carrie Mathison it does, complete with tablets, terrorists and a questionable taste in men. After decades of clichéd secret agent creations, Homeland broke the mould with a female whose chaotic personal life was equalled only by her inclination to take mad risks, unethical strategies and illogical operations. Forced to understand the new kind of terrorist abroad in the world, Carrie became one herself. Unhinged? You bet, but never dull.

Best line: “Do I want to be friends with a demented ex-soldier who hates America, who decided that strapping on a bomb was what the answer to what ailed him, and who had no problem sending me to the nuthouse? Yeah... no thanks. I don’t think I need a friend like that.”

Stone Mad

Absolutely Fabulous was the name of the series, and a great description of the world’s favourite 60-something. Patsy Stone was the perfect incarnation of her name, a woman who claimed to have blocked out everything before 1968 in a blizzard of vodka, dope and whatever white powder was being lined up along the marble counter of Annabel’s. A former Bond girl with a killer line for every occasion, Patsy embodies the art of growing old disgracefully.

Best line: “The last mosquito that bit me had to check into the Betty Ford Clinic.”

Rock Solid

Liz Lemon is the good natured face of 30 Rock, a woman surrounded by idiots and egos who always manages to keep the successful late night comedy show on track — with the odd heart attack part of the job description. She’s the endearing Everywoman in search of love, Snickers bars and the perfect diet, constantly discovering the frogs waaaay outnumber the princes in this life.

Best line: “My mom still sends me articles about how older virgins are considered good luck in Mexico.”