Frisky business at every stage of life

IRISH women in their 50s and upwards are having great sex, but can struggle to feel attractive in an image-driven society.

Irish sexologist Emily Power Smith says it is nonsense to depict women as not wanting sex after menopause.

“It’s my experience that Irish women in their 50s and 60s, and older, who love sex and are not in long-term relationships often find younger men to be sexual with — there are lots of younger men who are attracted to older women, because of their life experience and skills,” she says.

“Empowered women in their middle years, and older, are out there having great sex. But they are not being represented kindly, positively, or proportionately. This leaves the average woman wondering where she fits into society as she ages,” says Emily. “She doesn’t want to be seen as pathetic, needy or a ‘cougar’, so the safest bet is to fit into the accepted stereotype of no longer being interested in sex.”

British research commissioned by the herbal remedies company, A.Vogel, found more than half of 2,000 women over the age of 45 felt they’d been ‘judged negatively’ because of their age, and more than two thirds had walked into a room and felt ‘completely unnoticed’ by the opposite sex.

Half felt their self-confidence had dipped. This lack of self-esteem may present in different ways. We’re all familiar with the mid-life crisis stereotype of the older man leaving his partner for a younger woman, as if to convince the world and himself of his virility. But psychosexual therapist at Mind And Body Works, Anne Mathews, says an increasing number of older couples are presenting for counselling, because it’s the woman who has had an affair with a younger partner.

She says this is partly due to women being as empowered in the workplace as men.

“Affairs don’t always mean sex — but it can start as an emotional bond outside the marriage, with a confidante, and, then, it quite often tips into a sexual relationship, also.”

Mathews says that ageism is at the centre of our culture and that youth is perceived as “the Holy Grail.”

“However, men peak sexually at 19 and women at 39, and by their early 50s the women come into their own,” she says.

“With the losses that menopause bring, there are also gains. Women don’t have to manage their fertility any more and they bring lots of life experience.”

Meanwhile, Power Smith says despite how they are projected on film and in the media, wiser women assess their sexual self-image by how much they enjoy being sexual.

“That is, after all, what a sexual self-image is about — it’s not the same as body image. Older women who love being sexual tend to love it more as they age — their ability to be orgasmic never dies.

“Studies show that women who are having great orgasms regularly are more vibrant, more vivacious and more attractive — no matter what they look like or what their age.”

Power-Smith says older women who doubt themselves should stop “buying into advertising” and if they think they don’t like sex, it might be because they have just grown accustomed to “bad or average sex over prolonged periods.”

She says check out Betty Dodson (www.dodsonandross.com) who, at 85, is still running workshops in her Manhattan apartment, teaching women how to orgasm. “She is proof that no woman has to hang up her sexy knickers at menopause.

“Remember how much you have to offer as you get older — life experience, wisdom and confidence. You are a fuller, more rounded person, and not just a sex object past its sell by date.”