Setting rules for young kippers

THE 2011 census tells a story.

In Ireland, at least 90,000 adult children in their 30s and 40s continue to live at home, or have boomeranged back to the familial homestead through economic or personal pressures.

An astonishing, 440,000 adults over the age of 18 resided with their parents in 2011. We can make a reasonable assumption that these figures will have increased with the weight of house keys being flung back at red-faced bank managers during the recession over the past five years.

DIY super chair B&Q ran a survey in 2012 which found that 66% of young adults questioned not only lived at home, but had parents trotting around its hardware aisles to more deeply feather the nest for the overgrown chick.

Whereas some prodigals are genuinely suffering through the difficulties of unstable, low paid jobs and lack of accommodation, this rising phenomena covers a broad spectrum of circumstance.

Some children are valued team members, fully supporting the household and fulfilling care roles for elderly parents, or putting their shoulder to the hefty wheel of the family business.

However, at question here are the entitled generation of young, fit and educated, who, enabled by doting or powerless parents, simply don’t want to shift. Adult children not properly and completely financially and emotionally weaned, have lofty standards and expectations. Staying chez Mum & Dad through college and beyond simply makes more comfortable sense. The Japanese have an unflinching descriptive for this creature: the parasite single.

Compassion goes both ways. With changes in the property market, student debt and raging unemployment, you recognise that your child needs you right now.

They, on the other hand should see that this is not where you had expected to find yourself either. Are they staying through need or choice?

Young men are more likely to loiter in the transitionary place between childhood and adulthood than girls. Benjamin Franklin wrote that fish and guests both start to go off over time and relationships can and do suffer. In the United States, adult tenant children number in the area of 25 million, and one successful graduate of an adult sojourn back home has written a book dealing with the myriad issues of failure to launch.

Christina Newberry, author of The Hands-on Guide to Surviving Adult Children Living at Home covers the stresses, strains and strategies faced by multi-generational households. Her key piece of advice is to ‘re-negotiate the relationship.’

If you treat your grown children as adolescents, you’re not doing them or yourself any favours. Newberry argues that rules are vital to this touchy dynamic, and while they may raise hackles initially, they let everyone know exactly where they stand (and sleep).

TIPS FOR HAPPY, PRODUCTIVE HOUSE KIPPERS

* Full board is not provided indefinitely and never for free. Work out what food, sundries and utilities are due to your beloved and have a formal payment plan.

* If board is being offset by chores and housekeeping, ensure they are fulfilling their end of a reasonable deal that suits you first.

* Rent. A nominal fee shows that you care, reminding your kipper than they will re-enter the real world of rents and mortgages.

* It’s your house. Housekeeping standards extend to every room including the one inhabited by your kipper. Privacy ends where smells and chaos start.

* You don’t have to accept overnight guests or anything that makes your life uncomfortable.

* Don’t infantilise your grown children with ridiculous, simpering care and accommodations. You’re just strengthening their belief that they can’t cope in the adult world.

* Extra expenses such as car insurance and mobile phone fees are relative luxuries and not your responsibility.

* It’s reasonable to question a high amount of disposable income if you’re footing your prodigal’s lifestyle bills at home. Flabby, infinite excuses centred on backing up a down payment on somewhere else are not acceptable from a working adult.

* If you extend to make more room for family members and you’re solely financing the changes, ensure the improvements suit you long term. If you borrow money you may still be paying for those new square metres or conversion after fledging.

* What are their plans? Set a positive time scale for your kipper leaving. This can be discussed again if matters make it impossible to attain, but you won’t be struck down dead by the universe for asking them for your sake and theirs, to move on.

Christina Newberry. The Hands-on Guide to Surviving Adult Children Living at Home. Newberry Publishing. €16.97. www.amazon.co.uk.

The Family Therapy Association of Ireland FTAI is the professional organisation which represents family therapy and therapists in Ireland. If you feel you need help with a family situation of any kind log onto www.familytherapyireland.com.

The Government-founded Family Support Agency offers parental help on the basis of ability to pay.

www.fsa.ie.