Children know who they like

RECENT British research found one-third of parents have fallen out with a friend after rowing about their children.

Children’s potential for putting parents’ friendships under pressure is substantial and can be an issue as soon as children are born.

“The demands of parenting can be all-consuming, absorbing everything we do and think. Priorities understandably change, but friendships can break as a result,” says Joanna Fortune, clinical psychotherapist and director of Solamh Parent-Child Relationship Clinic.

Fortune says it’s vital for parents to maintain their independence, identity and “aspects of who we are.”

Children benefit when parents have an identity apart from them.

“It develops people-permanency for the child — they know you exist even when they don’t see you,” says Fortnune.

“It starts with peek-a-boo or when parents leave the room — the understanding that ‘if you leave, you still exist and will come back’. It helps build a capacity for trust in others.”

Parents shouldn’t allow their friendships dictate their child’s friendships. No matter how convenient it might be for your daughter to be buddies with your best friend’s girl, it won’t work unless the children want it. And what if your child falls out with your friend’s child? “That conversation — ‘my child doesn’t like yours’ — is a very difficult one. It’s best to have your friendship outside of the children. Don’t force your children to be friends,” she says.

Is it okay to criticise a friend’s parenting or to express concern about it? You need to be clear about what you’re saying and cognisant of how it might be received, says Fortune, who urges thinking before speaking. “Ask yourself ‘would I like to hear this? How would I like to hear it?’ Everyone has a unique approach to parenting. It might be better to wait until your friend asks for advice before offering any.”

Another uncomfortable scenario is when you don’t like your child’s friend’s parents. But don’t lose sleep over it — you don’t have to be friends with the parents of your child’s friends. “It’s okay once you can be open and have a civil interaction with the other parent — you can be friendly as opposed to friends,” says Fortune.