This much I know: Dustin the Turkey

It’s great being back on stage in the panto, although the dance routines are a bit hard on the talons.

The only problem is Twink. We had a bit of a falling out, like Mick and Roy, but we’ve made it up. I gave her a few compliments — like ‘it’s a pity you don’t have another head or you could have played both the Ugly Sisters’.

So, now we’re good old pals again, but it’s just sick to say we’re romantically involved. Maybe the rumour started when someone saw me pictured with an old blonde on me arm and drew the wrong conclusions. It was actually Joe Elliot from Def Leopard.