Finding the words to keep heart open

Before you argue, learn these five steps to relating well, says Rachel Borrill.

WE have all been there, when an argument becomes personal — words are said that are better left unsaid, and feelings are hurt.

With advancing years, we may be less likely to storm out of rooms and bang doors but we can still be left reeling by an argument.

Next time you feel your temperature rising, take a deep breath, and try one of these essential strategies for smart communication.

According to Brid Ni Chionaola, a certified facilitator of The Work — a self-help programme — there are five strategies to improve your communication skills, particularly when faced with angry situations. They will also help in dealing with difficulties in everyday life — with work colleagues, family members and friends.

“The mind always wants to be right, but these strategies for communication will make you pause and think. If we can stop trying to be right, then we open up a lot of other possibilities,’’ she says.

1. It pays to listen — literal listening

Don’t interpret what the person is saying or guess what they are trying to say, but believe what they are saying.

“Our interpretations of what we hear people say are often far more painful or frightening than what people actually say. We can hurt ourselves with our misconceptions and our thinking for others,” says Brid.

“Trust that what they say is exactly what they mean.’’

In a scenario like: ‘How could she be so selfish?’ or ‘How dare you speak to me like that?’ or ‘Do you really love me?’ It’s important, says Brid, to practice literal listening.

“These are questions. Repeat what has been said several times, slow it down and be honest, because what we normally do is come back straight away, defend, justify and then argue,’’ she says.

2. Straight talking — stay out of other people’s business

Don’t offer advice, and give an honest ‘No’, says Brid. “You get into all this interpretation of what would happen if you say an honest ‘No’. But you are being honest and if they interpret it wrongly that is up to them.

“If you give an honest ‘No,’ regularly people get use to it and they will trust you,’’ she says.

3. Ask for what you want

If they won’t give it to you, then give it to yourself.

“Ask for what you want, even though it may feel bold or awkward,” says Brid. “People don’t know what you want until you ask. The act of asking is a validation of the awareness that you deserve to have what you want,’’ she says.

4. Accept criticism

Always accept the gift of criticism, as this will stop any arguments.

“If someone says I am pushy, I should accept the gift of criticism. If I say, ‘How dare you say that?’ then I have started the war,” says Brid.

“By accepting the criticism, it really helps communication because you don’t get into all these fights,’’ she says.

“So, in a typical communication scenario, like: ‘You always do this … Or you never do this,’ you should accept the criticism and think of examples where you have behaved like this in the past. Next, ask the person to point it out again if you act like this in the future.

Closer to home, if you want to offer criticism to your partner, Brid suggests you say: ‘Honey I have some criticism for you, would you like to hear it?’ If he says; ‘No’ then you don’t give it. If he doesn’t want to hear it, you have to deal with it on your own.’

5. Be silent — don’t interrupt if you want to keep your friends.

“If you want to be popular, don’t say too much,’’ says Brid.

¦ Brid and Heinz Meisnitzer hold a four-day workshop, Find the Love of Your Life ... You, from Oct 17 to Oct 21 at Townley Hall, Drogheda, County Louth.

www.theworkwithbrid.com

www.thework.com