Cross-dressing may come as a shock to your wife

Q. I am 34 years old and am I in a loving long-term relationship. For about the past two years I have been dressing in my partner’s underwear whenever she is away.

I am deeply ashamed of this but find I am hooked on the sexual thrill it gives me. What should I do?

A. You have raised the issue of cross-dressing. It seems you are wearing your partner’s underwear for erotic pleasure. The underwear provides stimulation which gives sexual satisfaction. Many cross-dressers are heterosexual males who are married or in meaningful relationships. It is hard to know the reason why some men cross-dress. In some cases it started in childhood when a boy or teenager self soothes with some item of clothing, maybe belonging to a sister or his mother. It is not easy to find a reason and to understand the behaviour. But it is widespread and generally secretive.

Brierly (1979) found that the personalities of cross-dressers did not differ greatly from the general population, but that they may be more rigid. This may be the right time for you to explore with a counsellor the meaning of cross-dressing in your life.

You are ashamed and are afraid that your partner may find out. Many women do accept their partner’s need to cross-dress, but only if it is occasional and very discreet. But what do you imagine will be the impact on your partner? The difficulty for you right now is that if she finds out she will feel cheated. She will find it difficult having seen you as a ‘normal’ male. You still are a man, but this a side of you she didn’t know about and will find it hard to accept. You may say that there is no need to tell her. It is an option, but if your relationship gets deeper and moves on, a secret such as this will more than likely be discovered. It is always a shock.

Remember, despite the shame you have been living actively with the cross-dressing for over two years. She may be very upset and will question the relationship, you and herself. You will have to look at how can the two of you tolerate this in your relationship and will she ever be able to accept this side of you. If she can accept what you tell her you may have to agree on limits and you may be able to reduce the habit further. Often in a relationship cross-dressing in private is acceptable to a point. This sometimes changes when children arrive.

There are good internet sites providing positive information and suggesting it is normal behaviour. This could be an issue for her; it may seem anything but normal. It probably would be helpful for both of you to seek counselling - for her to come to terms emotionally with what has happened in the relationship, and to see how you can move forward together.