Workplace Wellbeing: Partners in love and business work it out
Catriona and Robert Cullen have been married for 11 years. They have three sons and run cullennurseries.ie, a Carlow-based business that grows and supplies native trees, hedging and bedding plants
Conventional wisdom warns us that doing business with friends or family is risky as it could pressure the relationship. Yet some couples successfully work side by side every day. What’s their secret?
Catriona and Robert Cullen have been married for 11 years. They have three sons and run cullennurseries.ie, a Carlow-based business that grows and supplies native trees, hedging and bedding plants.
“We see the business as our fourth baby,” says Catriona.
When the Cullens first started dating, Catriona worked as a quality manager in the food industry. It took Robert some time to convince her to work with him.
“I liked being able to go out the door, away from the family, to do my own thing,” says Catriona.
But that changed in 2019. “Juggling three small boys with a full-time job became stressful,” she says. “One day, I was late picking up the kids because I got stuck in a meeting. I realised then that I had to choose between work and family, and I chose family. That also meant choosing the family business.”
She now thinks that choice benefited their relationship. “Rob and I have a shared ambition now,” she says. “We want our business to succeed and are willing to make sacrifices for that to happen. Before, I'd feel so alone when I’d be at home with three small boys and he’d leave at four in the morning to go out on deliveries. But now I get it. I know he’s working for our family and our business. He also knows and values the sacrifices I make to allow him to do that. We understand each other more.”
Dr Tim van Wanrooij, a Dublin-based psychologist specialising in couples therapy, emphasises that having a shared vision is essential.
“One of the keys to making a relationship work is having shared priorities and values,” he says. “A couple’s relationship can be strengthened by working together towards the same goal, which also gives them a deeper understanding of each other’s day-to-day lives.”
However, there is a flip side. “Couples can spend too much time in each other’s company,” says van Wanrooij. “This can lead to a lack of diverse topics to discuss, not enough individual interests — and boredom.”
All romantic relationships involve a balance between intimacy and independence, according to van Wanrooij. “Every couple negotiates this for themselves,” he says. “While it’s great to share a home, a business and children and pets, it’s also healthy to spend some time apart and to maintain one’s identity outside of the personal and professional relationship.”
Karen Murphy, a couples therapist in Cork, says from her experience, many couples find it challenging to work together because they don’t consider these potential pitfalls.
“They have a romantic notion that there will be no issues and struggle when difficulties arise,” she says. “As with every aspect of a couple’s life, it’s vital to recognise there will be differences in opinion and having a conversation about these differences is helpful to maintaining a healthy relationship.”
Carol and Phil Gaffney from Ashbourne in Meath realised this when they set up gaffneystudio.com. “Phil was an electrician, but photography was his passion,” says Carol. “I was a business manager specialising in branding. We’d been together since 2011 but in 2020, we decided to combine our talents to create a branding and commercial photography business.”
They have hit some bumps in the road along the way. “Working together has been great,” says Carol. “We’ve learned more about one another, but we’ve had to put boundaries in place. For example, we used to share an office but because I’m a chatterbox, Phil found it impossible to focus. We talked about it and decided we each needed our own space where we could get on with our work.”
Boundaries of all sorts are crucial to ensuring a successful business relationship. “Without them, couples can end up talking about work from morning to night,” says van Wanrooij. “Or they might navigate conflict and disagreements in ways that are detrimental to their relationship.”
The Gaffneys have laid down other boundaries besides setting up separate offices. “We both have defined roles in the business,” says Carol. “I have the last word when it comes to management, marketing and branding strategy while Phil is responsible for taking and editing photos. We weren’t clear about who was responsible for what at the beginning, and it definitely caused some tension.”
They have rules around when they talk shop. “I could talk about work constantly, but Phil likes to have time when we’re just enjoying our relationship,” says Carol. “He has to cut me off sometimes, but I understand why.”
Carol and Phil are also careful in how they address each other at work. “We’re business partners and should talk to each other respectfully,” she says. “We both have to respect that.”
The Cullens have set boundaries in their working relationship too. “Rob deals with everything outside from planting to harvesting and I deal with everything inside from sales and marketing to payroll,” says Catriona. “Having these defined roles allows us to give each other space throughout the working day. Then we come together to make the big decisions.”
Despite their best efforts, they find that work tends to merge with family life. “During planting season, we’re always talking about what needs to be done, and there are times, like April, when we have to plant up to 60,000 trees when work becomes our main priority,” says Catriona. “But our one non-negotiable is that Sundays and bank holidays are family days.”
To ensure that both parties continue to be happy with how their business relationship functions alongside their romantic one, Murphy recommends regular check-ins. “Sit down together to go through what’s going well and what you’re struggling with,” she says. “This will allow you to celebrate successes and deal with problems.”
van Wanrooij also endorses this approach. “Ask each other if work is spilling into your romantic relationship,” he says. “Find out if there’s something the other person would like to change or try out. Having the ability to navigate potentially difficult conversations like this could make your relationship all the stronger.”
So could implementing his strategy for dealing with work-related conflicts, which are a sticking point for many couples. “When you’re arguing at work, ask yourself what you are arguing about,” says Dr van Wanrooij. “If it’s work, it can be discussed at work in a respectful way. If it’s personal, I’d recommend having a safe word that allows you to pause the argument until after work hours.”
Murphy also advises couples to make time for relationships and activities outside of your work and romantic life. “Lots of us don’t want to be tied to our partners 24/7,” she says. “Having separate interests can bring freshness into our relationship.”
While the Gaffneys and Cullens prove that couples can work together happily, van Wanrooij is keen to emphasise that such arrangements aren’t for everyone.
“Some couples don’t work well in this context but that doesn’t mean that theirs is a bad relationship,” he says. “Every couple has to achieve their own balance between intimacy and independence.”
“We’ve figured out the balance that works for us,” says Catriona. “As a result, we have a greater understanding of each other and any successes we have are all the sweeter for achieving them together. Working together has been good for our business and our marriage. I can’t imagine what it would be like not to work with my husband now.”
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