Workplace Wellbeing: Navigating love in the workplace

Starting a romantic relationship with a work colleague needs to be carefully handled so professional boundaries are not crossed 

Pic: iStock

Valentine's Day is just around the corner, meaning that singletons are likely to be contemplating their romantic prospects.

While doing so, they might lock eyes with an attractive colleague and spark the beginning of an exciting workplace romance.

They wouldn’t be the first to do so.

Research published by Forbes, in 2023, found that more than 60% of the 2,000 people questioned had had such a dalliance. For 43% of them, a workplace romance had led to marriage, while for another 17% it amounted to a one-night stand.

Emma Keane, a psychologist and psychotherapist who specialises in workplace and personal relationships, says it’s to be expected that some of us will develop romantic feelings for our colleagues.

“It’s how my parents got together, and they’ve been happily married for 53 years,” she says. “The reason relationships often begin in the workplace is because of opportunity. We spend so much of our lives in the company of our colleagues. A shared smile or a chat with a co-worker can easily fire up feelings which can lead to an intimate relationship.”

Yet despite being common, many organisations discourage such relationships. There are good reasons for this, according to Damien McCarthy of HR consultancy firm hrbuddy.ie.

“While it’s only natural that a percentage of people who work together will become romantically involved, only a small percentage of those will have a happily-ever-after ending,” he says. “This means that workplace romances can get complicated.”

In the initial stages of the relationship, there may be a reduction in productivity levels as the lovestruck colleagues are distracted by sending each other flirtatious emails — instead of getting on with their work.

In the Forbes study, 57% admitted that an office romance had impacted their performance.

Damien McCarthy, hrbuddy.ie.

The romance can also have an impact on the wider team. The Forbes study found that social dynamics in the office were affected in 52% of cases, with 33% reporting an increase in jealousy and another 50% reporting an increase in office gossip.

Such negative reactions are particularly common when someone starts dating a more senior colleague.

“There’s a risk that co-workers will insinuate a conflict of interest, whether that’s justified or not,” McCarthy adds.

“For example, if a line manager is dating a member of the team reporting to them, how do they deal with issues of poor performance, punctuality, annual leave requests or designation of duties with that team member?

“The accusation could be made that they are treated favourably or in a way that is unprofessional or unfair.”

Such suspicions could hold you back professionally. According to the findings of an Australian study published in 2016, employees who were known to be in a relationship with a colleague were less likely to be selected for promotion or training opportunities.

Post the #MeToo movement, McCarthy has seen organisations worry more about workplace romances in which there is this imbalance of power.

“They could be liable in a situation where someone senior abuses their power,” he says.

“For example, if a superior made advances to a junior and this resulted in a romantic relationship, if there were subsequent insinuations, the organisation might have to deal with a sexual harassment claim.

“Many organisations protect against this by allowing for inter-departmental transfers. However, this may not be possible in smaller workplaces.”

Safeguard your reputation

Beyond transferring to a new department or even switching jobs to continue dating a colleague, as 47% of those interviewed in the Forbes study had done, what should we do if we fall for a co-worker? Is it possible to safeguard our professional reputation while also having a romantic relationship with a colleague?

Keane believes that the answer is “yes”, as long as we set strict boundaries in place. Her first tip is not to keep the relationship a secret.

The research backs up her point of view. A US study in 2014 found that if you tell colleagues about your relationship, it increases the likelihood that they will feel positive about it.

But you don’t need to reveal all immediately. “Not everyone needs to know your business,” Keane says.

“In the beginning, it might be advisable to get to know each other first before announcing your relationship status. It’s important to feel grounded in yourself, and in your relationship, before sharing it with everyone.”

It’s key to make a distinction between your personal life and your professional one. “People don’t want to be caught up in the middle of a relationship between co-workers,” McCarthy adds.

“However relationships that are kept secret can lead to office gossip and trust being broken. So inform your colleagues once you feel comfortable doing so and avoid going into too much detail.”

You will inevitably be the subject of gossip for a while. McCarthy advises trying not to be too sensitive about it.

“Your relationship will be big news initially,” he says. “But interest will wane.”

Whatever you do, you shouldn’t be too openly affectionate at work.

A 2011 study, carried out in the US, found it was bad for morale. Participants who frequently witnessed flirting at work reported feeling less satisfied in their jobs, less valued by their company, and more likely to consider leaving.

That’s a good enough reason to avoid public displays of affection, according to Keane. “Our interactions with co-workers should be inclusive and a PDA is never going to be that,” she says. 

“So keep them to a minimum and the workplace will remain comfortable for everyone.”

Messy breakups

It’s vital that you remain professional if the relationships come to an end. Everyone knows that breakups can be painful, but try to keep things civil. The less drama in the office, the better for everyone.

“This is one of the big problem areas because the majority of office romances don’t work out, and messy breakups can make things awkward for the entire team,” McCarthy says.

“They can cause huge disruption for colleagues and reflect badly on you professionally. So try to separate your personal situation from your work behaviour and communications.”

Keane recommends splitting work from your professional life entirely in the event of a breakup. “You certainly shouldn’t vent about your ex to colleagues or slag them off in the office,” she says. “Instead, look to your external support mechanisms and vent to your family members, friends or even a counsellor. With them, you’ll have an impartial space where you can talk openly, and this should help you to remain professional in your company role.”

It’s important that everyone tread carefully when it comes to office romances, as professional reputations are at stake. This is just as true of employers as it is of lovelorn employees.

“Every workplace should have dignity and respect in the workplace policy and an anti-harassment/sexual harassment policy,” McCarthy says.

“Those are the legal basics. While banning or prohibiting office romances may never be realistic, workplaces need to ensure they have these robust policies in place to protect against conflicts of interest and abuses of power and also to prevent personal relationships from impacting negatively upon the professionalism of the business.

“From a health, safety, and welfare point of view, you have to protect your employees — even when it comes to matters of romance.”