Sex File: I don't like the way he's spicing things up in bed 

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My husband and I have been together for 17 years. Inevitably, sex became a bit routine so we agreed to change things. However, I’m not loving the ways he has been 'spicing it up' with language and moves I’m guessing he has got from porn. When I told him this turned me off he wasn’t happy. Now we’re not even having our 'boring' old sex. What should I do?

Oh dear. He tried to raise his game but he has only succeeded in turning you off. Now he is sulking and you are not having any sex at all. His attempt to 'spice things up' sounds clumsy and performative, but by criticising him you may have ensured that he won’t try again.

Even though he got it wrong, he was, at least, trying and I think it is important for you to acknowledge that, especially as he clearly feels embarrassed and probably wishes he hadn’t bothered. Whether he is open about watching porn or not, no man wants to be busted for copying sex that he saw on screen. Although you might want to explain why it wasn’t the right approach, I suspect he has got that message loud and clear, so a conversation about what you do want will be much more constructive.

It takes two to get an ailing sex life back on track and it generally requires a mutually agreed strategy. Unless two people are on the same page, 'spicing things up' is always going to be one person acting out a misjudged fantasy while the other one looks on bewildered. Clearly you’d both noticed that sex had lost its sparkle, so start by thinking about what exactly was missing. It definitely wasn’t porn moves, so what was it? I’ll hazard a guess that it was intimacy.

Intimacy is the thing that makes sex sizzle. It is the unspoken connection between two people who know each other inside out. Intimacy is emotional — a deep feeling of closeness between two people who trust each other completely. Intimacy is physical — the way he puts your hair behind your ears before he kisses you, or how your hands instinctively reach for him as you walk into a party together. And intimacy is sexual — how your body fits with his, the glance that says 'I love you' before climax occurs, and the postcoital bliss of lying in each other’s arms.

Intimacy is what spices sex up and when it wanes sex rapidly loses its appeal. Fortunately restoring intimacy in a sexual relationship is easy if you love and respect each other. All you really need to do is to spend meaningful time together so that you can 'attend' to each other with no distractions. Taking a walk, having a drink in the pub, going out to dinner, or going on a road trip are ideal opportunities to connect, and the more you talk, the more you will unpack why you ended up in a rut in the first place. 

Allow yourselves to be vulnerable, to express regret and to imagine a different future. Increasing the number of nonsexual exchanges of affection is important as well. Touch, in any form, strengthens the bond between you and reignites the sexual spark. Don’t rush back into bed. If you allow your emotional connection to build before you give in to desire, you will enjoy the best sex you have had in years and this unfortunate interlude will be forgotten.

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