Talk To Me: I'm fed up with being the only one looking after the family dog  

Psychologist Caroline Martin is here to answer your questions on whatever issues you are dealing with in life, from work pressure and stress to loneliness and grief

You have a dog you love dearly and the benefits of this alone are substantial

We got a puppy during the pandemic after months of pestering from my two teenage children. We had agreed that the responsibility for the dog would be shared. But the children quickly lost interest, and my husband says he’s too tired when he comes home to look after the dog. Most of her care - walking, feeding and grooming - is left up to me. I love the dog, and she’s like my third child. But I am fed up with being the only one looking after her.

As we approach Christmas, the familiar pleas from animal shelters resonate across the airwaves, reminding us that pets are not just for Christmas, they are for life. The same is true of pandemic pets. 

With much of our lives returning to what resembles a pre-pandemic routine, many, like you, wonder if it was wise to get a dog. However, hindsight is rather merciless and doesn’t offer you a roadmap.

You have a dog you love dearly and the benefits of this alone are substantial. 

Much like having young children, when so much of your time is consumed with managing the basics; feeding, changing nappies and offering enrichment, we can forget to sit in the joy of the relationship. 

Enjoying your puppy will likely reduce your blood pressure and help you stay calm by raising serotonin and dopamine, two neurochemicals that contribute to relaxation and wellbeing. This is before you consider the health benefits you enjoy due to your increased physical activity. 

While this may not be what you signed up for, don’t be afraid to reap the rewards.

Caroline Martin, psychologist. Picture:  Moya Nolan

So many of us are now very sedentary, working at desks and staring at screens. I wonder if your husband has forgotten some of the pandemic routines that were helpful to his mind and body.

With Christmas approaching, it is perhaps a good opportunity to revisit some of those activities. Holidays allow us to disrupt our usual patterns. 

Walking your dog together may also offer you the chance to have quality time as a couple. Invite him to join you, as this may appeal more to him than walking alone. 

During the walks, take time to stop and talk to neighbours - this can enhance your wellbeing as you build a sense of connection to your community. Some of your husband’s tiredness may be related to fatigue and general sense of disconnection from what is meaningful in his life. Our pets can play a crucial role in our realignment.

Due to the high level of sensitivity many dogs possess, they are often used as therapy pets. Even when we feel miserable and people around us may struggle to be in our company, our dogs will cuddle up beside us and breathe with us. 

You might be surprised to hear how often your children and husband connect with peers over stories about their pets. You describe your dog as akin to your third child - this is because the degree to which you recognise this bond is on a neural level. I suspect it is similar for the rest of the family members. How this bond manifests is as unique as the individuals involved.

There are probably times when your children are close, while there are also periods when they seem indifferent to each other. Of course, this perceived indifference is also true of their relationship with the pet in the family. 

Yet in the teenage world, when every interaction can feel like it’s up for scrutiny, the non-judgemental nature of your dog can be like magic pixie dust, creating a safe space for them to be. Your teenagers are possibly in the throws of rebuilding their social networks with their peers and grabbling with a return to the usual hustle and bustle of school life. This is where their focus should be.

We know that most teenagers long for emotional closeness and fear peer rejection. Having a pet dog allows them to demonstrate care and affection without the risk of being hurt. While your children may not be walking or picking up after the family dog, encourage the caring interactions and cuddles.

I wonder if framing the walks as something the dog needs, rather than you, might be helpful. This shift in narrative places the focus on their relationship with their dog rather than their relationship with you. Putting an emphasis on understanding and considering their dog’s needs builds their empathy.

I suggest you use opportunities to coach them in empathy. Flag behavioural cues in your dog that indicate she needs a walk, is bored, anxious, hungry or feels under the weather. Point out when your dog loves being in their company, is happy to see them or is even worried about them. You might just discover that the magic pixie dust gets dispensed in sloppy kisses and a wagging tail.

Take care.

• If you have a question for Caroline, please email it to [e-mail]