Jenny Keane: These are the sex problems that Irish people have and how to fix them

The pandemic may have borne a new revolution of sexual exploration but most of us still find it hard to talk about, says Jenny Keane 

Jenny Keane: "When it comes to sex, the issues we experience are wide and varied. This is because pleasure and sex are unique to the individual experiencing it.". Picture: Orfhlaith Whelan

From entertainment to advertising, we live in a culture where sex infiltrates almost all aspects of our lives. For many of us, it is only something we are just becoming used to speaking about as a nation.

If the sex-positive movement that started taking hold online in 2019 was the beginning of making it okay to talk about having good sex, the pandemic primed many to further explore their sexuality.

Although it might feel more comfortable for us to discuss the details of our sex lives over a few drinks with friends, when it comes to discussing sexual issues, there is still a long way to go.

Sex Issues

When it comes to sex, the issues we experience are wide and varied. This is because pleasure and sex are unique to the individual experiencing it.

Studies tell us that 30% of men experience sexual issues. The top three issues experienced are, in this order: premature ejaculation; erectile dysfunction; and low libido, or lack of interest in sex.

Some 40% of the female population experience issues sexually. The top three reported issues in women, again in this order are: low libido or lack of interest in sex; inability to orgasm; and pain during sex.

In my own work, I see these issues coming up in such a high volume that I created sex education workshops to help with these concerns. However, sexual issues extend further still.

Every week, I receive hundreds of questions from Irish people with concerns, worries, or questions on topics like body confidence, how to overcome a wandering mind, how to perform oral sex, sex after a baby, how to keep the spark alive in a long term relationship, and how much sex should a couple be having per week, to name a few.

Sexuality

Sex issues are vast and show no regard for age, ethnicity, or gender. This is because we are sexual, sensual beings from the time we are born, until the time we die.

The term ‘sexuality’ refers to much more than just having sexual intercourse. Sex isn’t just an activity or what we do with our genitals, it is a fundamental expression of who we are, and how we express ourselves in the world.

It relates to our gender, how we express that gender, it influences the way we interact with every single person that shows up in our life, and even influences how we show up in work.

When we are disconnected to that sexual, sensual part of ourselves we limit the way we show up in the world, connect to others, and experience ourselves. Similarly, when we are connected to our sexuality, this has a profound impact that ripples out into all aspects of our life, from our intimate relationships to our families, to work.

It is known that when we are connected to ourselves sexually we feel more confident, we are more easily able to express ourselves, and we feel centred.

Sex issues, specifically when we do not know how to approach them, cause disconnection.

One of the most detrimental effects of experiencing sexual issues is the belief we are alone in what we are going through. The inability to talk about sexual issues is rooted in and maintains its stronghold due to stigma, shame, and the lack of support systems and infrastructures in place to help those who are experiencing issues.

It is important we bring this conversation to light because the truth is that at some point in our life we will all experience issues sexually at least once, if not more. Although this might sound like a frightening statement, I want to reassure you it is not, and although experiences of sex issues can feel mountainous, it can in many ways be a doorway to a deeper connection with ourselves, our partners, and the world, when we know how to work alongside whatever our sex issue is.

Before we look at ways we can create a connection when experiencing sex issues, it is important we understand some of the things that keep up in the cycle of disconnection.

Jenny Keane: "Sex issues, specifically when we do not know how to approach them, cause disconnection". Picture: Orfhlaith Whelan

Communication

Everything great in life, business, family, and love, is born out of great communication. Sex is no different.

A great sex life with others starts with being in conversation with yourself first.

Understanding your own body, what you like, what you don’t like, and how it functions so you can understand how to support it on a day-to-day basis. The ability to communicate about our sexuality and our sex lives is a skill.

Unfortunately, very few of us learned how to approach the conversation of sex.

This was not anyone’s fault, it was just what was happening. We learned that the conversation around sex was something to hide and not something spoken about in polite company.

Shame

Shame is another huge factor when it comes to diminishing the conversation around sex and sexual issues. Although shame is not inherent to our nature, we still undergo a powerful process of learning shame through our conditioning, and in Irish society shame is everywhere.

In fact, shaming others is so prevalent, it’s rare to meet someone who hasn’t been on the receiving end it at least once in their life.

Once we learn shame, we self-propagate it, shaming ourselves. Self-shaming is so ingrained that we barely notice it.

What is noticeable is the erosion of our confidence, and a feeling that something is fundamentally wrong with us.

What is worse is the feeling that there is nothing we can do about it.

Jenny Keane: "When we are under-informed about our body we lack the understanding of how to support it on a daily basis." Picture: Orfhlaith Whelan

Sex Education

Very few of us ever had the privilege of learning about our bodies through pleasure-focused, discovery-orientated, sex-positive education.

For most of us, our education was risk-focused and abstinence orientated. We learned about the dangers of STIs and the fear of getting pregnant.

Do you remember learning about what arousal is and how it functions in the body? Or what an orgasm is? The answer is probably no.

Few of us learned how our bodies functioned at a physiological, bio-hormonal, or chemical level. When we are under-informed about our body we lack the understanding of how to support it on a daily basis.

Poor quality sex education puts us in a position of passivity when it comes to our sexuality, and never is this more present when it comes to sex issues. Lack of sex education makes people believe there is something wrong with them.

Approaching Sex Issues

When it comes to approaching your sexuality and sex issues, learning how to communicate about sex, work with shame, and seeking out comprehensive sex education, especially as adults, are some of the things you can do to turn dissatisfaction to discovery, exploration, and even enjoyment.

In my work, I host seminar-style sex education-based workshops. One of the fundamental aspects of these workshops is creating a non-judgemental, welcoming, respectful environment, where people feel safe learning about their bodies.

Through community, they understand that whatever they are experiencing, firstly they are not alone and secondly, education gives you options. When you have options, you have choice, and when you have choice, that is the true experience of empowerment.

Learning how to take an active approach towards your sexuality will transform your entire life, as it equips you with the tools you need to support your sexuality at all stages of your life, whether you are experiencing numbness in your 20s or erectile issues, moving through menopause and the changes that brings, or trying to maintain intimacy and connection in your intimate relationships.

Understanding the principles of what sexual wellness is, and how to support this, is as important to our lives as our physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing.

People often ask me, what are the tips to improve your sex life?

I tell them to slow down, remove the goal of orgasm, learn to pay attention to your own needs and those of your partner or body part and lastly... to breathe.

All these tips are useless if we have not cultivated the correct environment in our body, in our relationships, in our minds, to be able to apply them.

When it comes to our sexual well-being we must learn how to attend to the whole human — body, mind, emotion and spirit. 

Contrary to what you might believe, sexual wellness is not about being in a constant state of bliss and pleasure.

Sexual wellness is not just a state, it is an action where we must learn how our bodies function, so that we can understand how to oscillate between stress and ease, connection and disconnection, with understanding, compassion, patience and most importantly, hope.

When we look back on our lives, it is funny how sometimes the most inconsequential moments can have the most extraordinary impact on how we live.

When I was 14 my English teacher was giving out to another student. She got up and drew a bridge on the board and said you can either build a bridge or get over it or stay here on this side…Do you know what this side is?

Stuck.

I think when we experience sex issues it is easy to feel stuck. I always say people come to my sex education workshops for one of two reasons, either through inspiration, or desperation. I try to teach people that whatever it is they are going through, whatever it is they wish to experience, they have options. Those options are different and varied from person to person because as we already discussed, pleasure is unique.

What I try to do in the work I teach is give people the tools they need to be able to build their own bridge.