Sex File: He's almost perfect but his rude sexts are a turn-off

When sexting, many men find it easier to steal ideas from porn than to mine the depths of their own desires

Mon, 25 Jul, 2022 - 02:00

Suzi Godson

I'm dating someone who is an almost perfect match for me. Our sex life is great, we get on and make each other laugh. We both like creating a flirty atmosphere through messages, pictures and little notes. The only thing is, his sexts are so cringey and the language he uses is sometimes a bit too rude. I'm definitely not against sexting — but his WhatsApps are a turn-off. What can I do?

Couples don't start off knowing how to talk to each other. Just as they have to feel their way with sex, new couples have to hear their way with language. In 1992, the relationship therapist Gary Chapman published his now famous book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. It outlined the five key ways couples communicate their love and the central thesis was that relationships work better when they speak each other's "love language". The oft-quoted love languages he lists are: acts of service, gift-giving, physical touch, quality time and words of affirmation. Whether you agree these are everyone's top five or not, Chapman was right about one thing — the way couples communicate with each other needs to be compatible. Otherwise, they will struggle to turn each other on.

Getting the tone right is an iterative process. Couples gradually learn to model each other in conversation, and through a process of adaptation, how to speak in a way that is appealing and appropriate. Conversation is inherently empathic. The ability to hear what the other is saying so that you can feel what they are feeling is an important part of bond building. And it's a two-way interaction. So the things you say to your partner should be just as influential in setting the tone of your sexual conversations as the things he says to you.

For those who aren't completely comfortable with communication, texting is often preferred. It gives them the illusion of control but it is actually very reductive. It creates brief, stilted fragments of conversation, or titillation, interspersed with the odd emoji, which say very little and reveal even less about the person.

When sexting, many men find it easier to steal ideas from porn than to mine the depths of their own desires.

It demonstrates a lack of imagination but it is also to do with the fact that there is no emotion in porn, whereas revealing something more personal has the potential to make a person vulnerable.

Great sexting is not about adopting a false identity. It is about finding your own authentic voice and not being afraid to be who you are. It is true that some people are just not good with words, but that you are so compatible in every other way suggests that your new man just lacks confidence.

His inability to dial down the rude language when it's clear that you don't reply in a similar way also suggests that he may not be very good at reading social cues. If this is the case, you might have to help him out. Yes, it's annoying to have to teach him. But I think in this situation you will need to be explicit about what you do and don't like.

That means talking, not texting, about mutual likes and dislikes, discomfort zones, ground rules and language. You will need to lead by example. Show him that the best sexts are the ones that leave the imagination to fill in the gaps.

Being really clear about your own boundaries will give him the opportunity to learn. You will soon find out whether he has the potential to change up, or whether he will always be tone deaf, in which case you get to decide whether that is something you can live with.