Sex File: I can't keep up with my wife now her sex drive has increased

We're using a fertility app now that my wife has stopped taking the contraceptive pill — but I'm finding it hard to keep up with her now that she wants sex more often

"Her sex drive has increased and I'm finding it hard to keep up"

My wife has just stopped taking the contraceptive pill for the first time after 20 years. She got fed up with it and is going to use an ovulation app instead. It has come as a surprise to me that her sex drive has increased and I'm finding it hard to keep up. I'm feeling out of balance. What can we do?

The pill, in many ways, is fantastic. It was revolutionary in giving women autonomy over their bodies — it also made us responsible for carrying the burden of preventing unwanted pregnancies. It is, of course, high time that burden was shared, but science has somehow failed to advance male contraception. Actually, that is not entirely true. In 2016 trials of an injected male contraceptive were found to be 96% effective, but the trial was halted because the treatment caused side effects such as depression, acne and weight gain — sound familiar? As a result, scientists are now working to find a non-hormonal solution. I think I safely speak for half the population when I say that I wish that level of consideration had been extended to us.

With regards to the increase in your wife's sex drive, libido is not — and never will be — a static entity. It changes through life, and couples are rarely completely synchronised. Getting through periods of mismatched libido can be a challenge because the person with less interest tends to call the shots. Be patient and understanding, and try to enjoy this peak, as it won't last for ever. As long as you are both honest and open and you continue with skin-to-skin contact, you will remain physically and emotionally connected. Remember that desire is responsive, too, so even if you're not feeling in the mood at the start, once you start to kiss, spoon in bed or maybe take a shower together you will often feel rather different.

I'm not surprised that your wife is feeling a boost at the moment. It's probably not just physical but mental too. Relief is a common response among women who stop taking the pill. I know lots of women who say that they feel much better for it. They say things like 'I feel more like myself' or 'my mood has lifted' and often 'I wish I had done it sooner'.

I'm not against the pill: the consensus is that the benefits have always outweighed the risks. Pregnancy and childbirth are risky, and the pill can reduce the risk of endometrial and ovarian cancer for decades after a woman stops using it, say experts from Oxford University. However, that doesn't diminish the fact that it definitely makes a lot of women feel a bit rubbish.

Charlotte Wessel Skovlund, who works in the University of Copenhagen's department of gynaecology, found clear evidence that the use of hormonal contraception, especially among adolescents, was associated with subsequent use of antidepressants and a first diagnosis of depression.

Unfortunately, when you are still fertile, going off the pill is a luxury that can only be entertained if you have something else to replace it with. Bar barrier methods or the IUD — also known as the copper coil (which is not fun to get put in or taken out) — most options such as implants or the Mirena coil involve hormones. In the absence of real choice, women have been quick to take to ovulation apps. As that is what you and your wife are now using, do be careful. One study found that nearly a third of those who used a fertility app as a contraceptive method ended up getting pregnant.

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