Sex File: He only makes love to make me happy

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My husband and I have always had a good sex life, although it's not so frequent these days. We're now in our 60s and he told me that the only reason he still has sex is to please me and that he could take it or leave it at his age. Now it feels so one-sided and it's put me off. What should I do?

I know it's tricky for you, but the truth is, most men in their 60s experience a drop in their libido and many more are struggling with unreliable erections. When it gets more difficult to have sex and an orgasm, the process inevitably becomes less pleasurable, so older men are often less interested in having sex. While it may seem surprising, it is also true that for some men, a lower sex drive can be very liberating. I've interviewed a number of men in their 60s who feel that they were, to some degree, governed by their libido in their younger years and they feel a sense of relief that the tide is finally going out.

It is also true that whether you are 26 or 62, sexual frequency declines in all long-term relationships. Your husband may not consider it to be a big deal, but what he possibly doesn't realise is that it's quite easy for self-esteem to become bound up in whether or not your partner wants to make love to you. 

It is natural for people in long-term relationships to worry that they have become increasingly invisible to their partners as they get older. 

When two people have been together for 30 or 40 years, they don't attend to each other in the same way, but instead of acknowledging that this comes from a place of comfort and familiarity, the inner critic - to which we are all prone - persuades us that it is evidence of our partner's apathy and lack of interest. When someone's partner says that they are no longer interested in 'sex', what people often hear is 'you're no longer interested in sex with me'.

The issue is that you still want to have sex, but your husband doesn't want to continue with your sex life as it was, although that doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want one at all. It's possible that he would like to enjoy intimacy still, but not have intercourse, although he could have been more diplomatic when he spoke to you. Talk about this together and try to treat it as an opportunity to change your sex life and perhaps be more creative with physical intimacy.

You are very fortunate to be fit and well and sexually active - data from the US National Health and Social Life Survey suggests that sexual dysfunction is more prevalent in post-menopausal women (43%) than it is in men (31%) of the same age. Your husband might respond more enthusiastically if you thought less about energetic intercourse and more about what I call 'outercourse'. So spend more time on touching, teasing and foreplay as well as oral and manual stimulation because these can satisfy you both but will put less pressure on your husband. The emphasis should be on intimacy and sensuality, although you may find that if you spend a lot longer on this, your husband may want to end with intercourse anyway.

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