Sex File: Date night makes us too tired for sex 

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My partner and I have young children, so we don't get to be alone together that often. When we do, we love going out for a romantic supper. However, by the end of a long meal, and lots of wine, we're actually just ready for bed - and not in an exciting way. How do we improve our date nights?

Parenting is an extreme sport that involves marathon sleep deprivation, Olympic-level multi-tasking and daily exercises in damage limitation. Young children don't always have an off switch, and by the time they are finally in bed, most parents are exhausted. Yes, they have read all the articles that tell them that they should be investing in their relationship, but no, they do not have the energy to leave the house.

When you have small children there are always a million reasons, distractions and excuses for not spending time alone together, but if parents are honest, the main one is often that it is very difficult to leave little people you love very much. Because young children experience attachment anxiety, it can feel selfish to leave a crying child in the arms of a babysitter just so you can go out and have a good time. However, it's really not selfish. Parents are the foundation that a family are built on, and couples who invest in their relationship with each other are actually investing in their child's long-term happiness and wellbeing.

The fact that you and your partner are managing regular date nights and romantic dinners means you are doing better than many, but when you don't get much time alone, the time you do have takes on much greater significance. Before children, you wouldn't have been that bothered if you didn't have sex after a night out, but because your date nights are so few and far between, you end up trying to cram absolutely everything into a few short hours.

On the plus side, the novelty of these nights works in your favour. Thinking about the food, the wine, the conversation and the sex creates a sense of anticipation, and the ritual of preparing for a night out adds to the occasion too. Putting on make-up, spritzing scent and digging out your posh clothes are a way of separating yourself from your maternal identity. Slipping into something sexy makes you feel sexy and, of course, thinking about having sex makes you want it more.

On the minus side, you are both probably very sleep-deprived, so the minute you start to relax, tiredness kicks in. The other issue is the food you eat. Most meals include protein and carbohydrate, and they are not a good combination if you are trying to stay awake. Protein and carbs trigger the release of gastric hormones that increase the levels of serotonin and melatonin, which promote sleepiness. Alcohol is a sedative, so throw in a few glasses of wine and you have a perfect recipe for somnolence, not sex.

The obvious alternative is to do something other than eating on your date night. Doing novel activities together is particularly good for your sexual relationship. This is especially true if they create a heightened emotional response, so try going to a football match or seeing a tear-jerker of a movie. If, however, food is your shared passion, rather than going out for dinner and having sex afterwards, you could book a much later restaurant reservation and have sex before you go out. What about the kids? Easy. Book your babysitter an hour earlier than normal and brief her, or him, that you will need a bit of time to yourselves before you go out. Let the sitter feed the kids and get them ready for bed while you and your partner retire to your room to "get ready".

If you don't think this will work for you, why not skip date-night sex altogether and take the pressure off? If you're blessed with a child who sleeps through until the morning, you may be able to squeeze in a quickie the morning after, before they wake.

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