Sex File: He wants sex in the shower but I don't

'Novelty is a hugely important driver in everything we do, but we all have a tendency to find something that works and then stick to it'

Mon, 13 Sep, 2021 - 06:05

Suzi Godson

My boyfriend and I have recently got back from a sun holiday, where we had a lot of sex in the shower. He keeps trying to recreate it at home, but for me, it's just not the same here. The novelty of it was exciting, but I don't find the experience that comfortable or pleasurable. How do I break it to him?

Shower sex, like many other sexual adventures, is wonderful when you are in holiday mode, and anathema when you are not. When you are hot, covered in suntan oil and you don't have to worry about cleaning the bathroom, getting it on in the shower can be great fun. Back home, where getting naked means whacking up the heating? Not so much.

Shower sex can also be an irritatingly dry affair. Because water washes away all your natural lubrication, having sex in the shower generally requires silicone gel.

Rather than directly saying no to something that your boyfriend obviously finds very exciting, you need to entice him out of the bathroom with some alternatives. Novelty is a hugely important driver in everything we do, but we all have a tendency to find something that works and then stick to it.

Whether that is eating in the same restaurant or doing the same yoga class, we rapidly become creatures of habit. It takes energy and determination to keep changing things up, but short of changing partner every two years, it is the only way to keep life, love and sex exciting.

Novel sex is not about the positions you choose; it is about effort, investment and expectation. If you want to turn sex into a special occasion you have to push the boat out, and building anticipation is the first step.

In the same way that seeing a beautifully wrapped present and wondering what is inside is often more exciting than actually opening it, try dropping hints in a love letter, or leaving notes on the fridge to create suspense.

The aim is to arouse his curiosity and get him excited. Whether you decide on a night of sensual massage and slow sex by candlelight or play strip poker, if you offer your boyfriend a novel sexual stimulus I am sure he will happily hang up his shower fantasy.

One way to tempt your boyfriend out of the bathroom is to introduce him to the delights of the kitchen; food and sex have always been great bedfellows. Although aphrodisiac foods don't always have much of a scientific basis, they create a huge amount of expectation, and that is often enough.

For you, planning and preparing a night of food and sex creates anticipation, and that is going to boost your arousal too.

You won't go wrong if you start by putting blankets and cushions on the floor and use scented candles to create atmosphere. Why not try serving foods that have ancient associations with sex, such as a Japanese picnic of sashimi and shellfish with pickled ginger, wasabi, asparagus and avocado?

For dessert, choose a dish with dark chocolate, which is very high in phenylethylamine, thought to have a positive effect on mood; research has also shown that dark chocolate has one of the highest concentrations of the flavonoids epicatechin and catechin, which are known to improve blood flow.

Besides tasting delicious, it can be melted, drizzled and licked off pretty much anything, including skin.

Mind you, you'll definitely need a shower afterwards.