Sex File: How can we reboot our sex life? 

Picture: iStock 

My boyfriend and I were together for 10 years from age 16. We then broke up because we wanted to try life apart for a while. After a year - we both had a few brief flings with other people - we got back together. Since then we're both nervous around each other, and sex hasn't been exciting. I feel like we need to start again from scratch but don't know how.

I think you are right. You do need to start from scratch, and you need to do it together. At the moment it sounds as if you have both climbed back into the car, but you are cruising in neutral because you haven't decided what direction to go in. It takes time to work out how to be different in a relationship that feels very familiar - and it's not easy. It would have been easy to fall back into old habits, and I applaud your desire to change things.

Although your shared history means that aspects of this relationship must feel comfortable, it is important to recognise that the apprehension you both feel is normal. You were only 16 when you first got together, and at that point, you had no one else to compare your sexual relationship to. That has changed now. Even though the relationships you had when you were apart are in the past, you have now both had sex with other people and you have a gauge by which to measure the quality of the sex that you have with each other.

It is human nature to feel intimidated by sexual "competition", and as well as worrying about whether the sex was better with other partners, you are both bound to be on the lookout for "new moves" that betray new influences. Because this is a new relationship and neither of you wants to come across as needy or suspicious, I doubt you have discussed these apprehensions. I don't actually think you need to put them under the microscope. Instead, I think you need to focus on the possibilities and work out what kind of sex life you both aspire to.

Rebooting your sex life is no different from revamping your wardrobe or redesigning your kitchen. The first step is educating yourselves so you know all your options. This will be a fun project to do together - the key being that you're doing it together. It will open up a whole new world of things to try, while also opening up the conversation and teaching you both to be comfortable discussing it.

Books are a good place to start. There are millions available, so it can be difficult to know which ones are any good. I'd start with Becoming Cliterate by the psychology professor and human sexuality expert Laurie Mintz. Or my own, The Sex Book, is a straightforward "everything you need to know" guide, while Love Worth Making by Stephen Snyder MD is more specifically focused on sustaining passion in a long-term relationship.

You may then decide that you want to try new sexual positions, or to explore using sex toys, but your wish list could also be focused on simply increasing intimacy: for example, you might want to experiment with what it feels like to really feel touched.

Take turns exploring each other's bodies and seeing how each of you responds to being caressed. Making the room dark or wearing a blindfold will immediately heighten sensitivity.

Whatever you try, make sure that you keep the conversation open and relaxed between you. Talk about sex when you're not in the bedroom - if you find it hard, discussing the subjects that arise in any or all of these books might be a good place to start. From there you can begin trying all the new things you have learnt. 

• Send your questions to [e-mail]