Ask Audrey: 'C’mere, how much do you give for a First Holy Communion these days?'

Sorting out Cork people for ages

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Wait til I tell you Audrey, with all the letters I’ve been writing to yourself inside in the Examiner, haven’t I become a bit of a celebrity up here in north Cork. 

Now, that isn’t much to boast about I know, it’s like going around saying you’re the cleanest person in Kilmallock, but still, it’s better than being a nobody like my poor friend Berna. Anyway, wasn’t it Berna herself who said I should cash in on my new-found fame and didn’t we open a café down the town called Rosealeen’s from Ballydesmond. Business is brisk, particularly the crowd who come in from Scartaglin to see what it’s like to use an inside toilet. 

Anyway, didn’t this one who’s moved down from Cork city for the simple life come in yesterday and ask what I had for vegans, and I said, “Nothing but contempt, girl!” and didn’t she threaten to bad mouth us to her 14,000 followers on Instagram which is the last thing we need in fairness. Berna googled ‘Vegan Options for Stuck Up City Bitch’ and didn’t it suggest lentils. My brother tried them once and he nearly farted himself over the county bounds. Do you know if it’s possible to get the gas out of lentils?

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

My niece runs a vegan cafe. I said, what would you give a vegan in Ballydesmond. She said, a bullet proof vest.

It’s dog eat dog on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Think It’s a Disgrace They Can’t Trade in Their Cocker Spaniels. 

Orla_AlwaysInShortShorts said she has nothing but maximum love for her Cocker, Alfie, but there is no getting away from the fact that he is just a cheap version of a Cockerpoo, and people are starting to talk in Ballinlough Tennis Club. We banned her from the group for six weeks for not being a member of Sunday’s Well Tennis Club. (She said it was he least she deserved, in fairness.) 

But Fifi_TwoWhiteRangeRovers pointed out that Orla has a point, it’s not fair that we’re forced to hold on to a dog after it’s gone out of fashion. Cliona_SweatyBettyJumpSuits said you’re allowed to get rid of an au pair for no reason at all, surely you should be able to do the same with a dog and we all agreed that’s a brilliant way of putting it. 

Our Cocker Spaniel, ROG, is nearly eight and never does a runny poo that you have to then pick up in a bag. Do you know anyone that would like him, Audrey– Ken and myself are upgrading to a Cockerpoo, you can change his name if you like?

- Jenni, Douglas Road

I rang the Posh Cousin there and said, what would you call a dog from the Douglas Road? She said, Ken. (Sorry Jenni, he just can’t keep it in his pants.)

Guten Tag. I am with a large multi-national out in Ballincollig and I must say it has been tough working from home for over a year. I never thought I would say this, but I miss the morning chats at the coffee machine with Fintan from Midleton, where I say, “How was traffic at the tunnel this morning? and he says “Yerra, so-so, you know yourself” and I let it go even though I really wanted to know the exact time in minutes that it took him, why do Irish people have such a problem with giving a straight answer? 

Anyway, we are going back to work two days a week shortly and I’ll be renewing my flirtation with Fiona on the network team, she is all the crack. She is also very good looking for an Irish woman, which I find fantastic. I would give myself 7.67 out of 10 on the looks front, but I am wondering, should I make a big effort to look incredible on the first day, or is that trying too hard and would I be better off arriving in with a wrinkled Jack & Jones t-shirt and a massive hangover, as if I was from Tipperary?

- Jurgen, Berlin and Ballincollig

It’s a tricky one alright. I spent 400 quid yesterday on a back-to-work hairdo and My Conor said, are you trying to drive your male colleagues crazy with desire? I said, no, I’m trying to drive my female colleagues crazy with their own inadequacy. #MyConorHasntAClueAboutWomen

C’mere, how much do you give for a First Holy Communion these days? My nephew has had his put back so many times he’s nearly old enough to get married, but it’s coming up shortly after Micheal Martin went on the telly and said, ye can all go mad now if ye like. The old doll is booked in for her tan, now all I need to know is how much I give the lad. 

I want to strike a balance between giving him too much, which is begging my gomie relations to tap me up for a loan, and giving him too little, which will get me seem as tight as the man from Carrignavar. So, what’s the magic number?

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

My nephew is making his communion this month. I said, what’s the best thing about communion. He said, Jesus Christ. I said, because you are closer to Jesus Christ? He said, no, that’s what Dad will keep saying after he gets a two-day prosecco hangover.