Ask Audrey: 'C'mere, what's the story with goading the Jackeens?'

Sorting out Cork people for ages...

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

Hello old stock. I’m writing to you on behalf of Blackrock Road Millionaires Who Keep an Eye on the Norries. We’re down in Crookhaven right now, counting down the hours until the wages slaves with their mobile homes in Barleycove have to go back to work, and we’ll have the place to oursel ves , how bad? 

Anyway, we were shocked by the big story this week, Wally the Walrus. (Bunty Harrington mentioned some hoo-haa in Afghanistan, but we checked and it doesn’t affect any of our investments.) 

Anyway, this Wally character has been damaging RIBS (posh rubber dinghies before you ask) in West Cork and there’s talk now they’re going to put in some kind of floating couch for the creature because he keeps damaging the boats. 

Now, I sympathise with these RIB owners – it must be awful not being able to afford a yacht. But you’re basically rewarding Wally here for his bad behaviour. You can be sure the northsiders will take one look at this and think, if I start hauling myself up onto a yacht they might give me one. And where would we be then ? So, could you have a word with Wally please and tell him to cop on?

- Reggie, Blackrock Road

I drove down to Baltimore there and rowed out to Wally. I said, what are your demands? He said, I need a mobile phone with Google Translate. I said, why? He said, because I haven’t a clue what the locals are saying. #WeshhhhtCork

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. My friend Gertrude left here 20 years ago, she said she couldn’t spend another second in a town where people only bought books in the airport, the dozy snob. Anyway, she’s back for a week and didn’t she bring her sizzling hot Italian boyfriend back with her, they’re pretty much running buses over from Scartaglin to take a look off of him. 

I’d love to get my hands on him myself, but he’s fierce stylish like all the Italians and Gertrude, the bitch, is very London in her look while my flowing floral dress and white runners scream ‘I’m a 43 year old woman from Ireland, I can’t imagine myself wearing anything else!’. 

Anyway, didn’t I read a thing in the Examiner about this one who hacked into her ex-partner’s Alexa speaker yoke so she could start sending messages to his latest flame and that got me thinking. If I could hack into Gertrude's speaker at home, I could say ‘Paulo, is there any chance you could call over and give me a pizza fashion advice, pardon the pun?’ Do you know where I’d find a hacker?

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

My neighbour is big into hacking, we call him Password123. I said, I need someone to hack into a smart speaker in Ballydesmond so she can flirt with a guy called Paulo. He said, I know. #TheyKnowEverything

It’s getting very ‘What are you wearing’ on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Have Been Planning Their Outfit for First Day Back at School Since March. Avril_SummerInSchull is claiming she got access to ‘The Hidden Floor’ in Brown Thomas, which has sensor alarms to deter people from Ballinlough, and managed to get her hands on a belted faux leather midi skirt that is sizzling hot in New York this fall. (Avril refuses to say autumn, she thinks that’s very Bishopstown.) 

Fifi_WhiteRangeRover said she actually went to New York itself and came back with a midi knife-pleated dress that cost more than an annual household budget in Passage West. We banned her for four weeks because there is a strict embargo on Passage West mentions, proper order too. Still , kudos to Fifi for sneaking into New York in the middle of a global pandemic, it’s up there with the time Cliona_CheckOutMyCheeks went to Singapore for a couple of cocktails. I don’t think I can beat her outfit for the first day back at school. Would it appear vulgar if we dropped our Hugo into Pres by helicopter?

- Jenni, Douglas Road

I rang the Posh Cousin there and said, what’s the story with dropping your son to school by helicopter? She said, go for it. I said, what about the polar bears? She said, leave them at home, they get spooked by loud noise. # SheHasA PrivateZoo

C’mere, what’s the story with goading the Jackeens? Myself and Budgie aren’t into the hurling, I always thought it was more a thing for savages east of Carrigtwohill. But what we are into is goading Dublin people because they do be totally up themselves and get fierce indignant if you press their buttons like . 

So we’re going up to the so-called capital on Saturday in Budgie’s van and we’re thinking of putting a slogan on it to remind Dublin gomies that they didn’t reach any All-Ireland final this year, at least for the men. My idea is to put ‘Any Plans for September, ye langers’ on the side of the van. So like, do Dubs understand the word langer?

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

My cousin lives in Dublin 4,  we call him, well , any time we’re looking for a place to crash really. I said, do you understand the word langer? He said, no. I said, well in that case, go on ya langer. (He tried to charge us for a room the last time.)