Sex File: How can I teach him to please me?

Mon, 12 Jul, 2021 - 06:05

Suzi Godson

I'm a 27-year-old woman and I am all for being more confident in telling a guy what I want in the bedroom. But I haven't worked out how to do it without it sounding like a set of instructions. I'd like some guidance on helpful ways of communicating, because "to the left" does not feel very sexy.

Great communication is the key to a satisfying sex life, but it is difficult to get the tone right. Step-by-step instructions can sound bossy and unsexy, but saying nothing is not helpful either. Having sex with someone who remains completely mute is unsettling. You have no idea what they are thinking or feeling and that can be terribly off-putting. In contrast, having a partner who tells you that when you do X it feels great, or that they love the way you do Y is very reassuring. If you are worried about sounding dictatorial, it could be as simple as softening your tone. Your partner doesn't need step-by-step instructions, but he does need feedback.

One of the reasons that people struggle with sexual communication is because they worry that if they ask for what they want or say that they don't like something their partner will either take offence, feel inadequate, or mark them down as demanding. Nothing could be further from the truth. Sexual communication is one of the most important predictors of relationship success, because like everything else in life relationships change over time. If you can't talk about what you need when all you need is "a little to the left", you haven't got a hope when life throws you a much bigger curveball.

Feedback doesn't always have to be verbal. Touch is a very powerful form of communication and during sex it can be a gentle way of nudging your partner in the right direction without breaking the erotic spell. Touch is the only one of the five senses that is completely bidirectional, so when your partner touches you softly, his caress feels soft on your skin. Similarly, if you want him to be more gentle or to move to the left, touch him in the way that you would like him to touch you, or move his hand or his body in the desired direction.

Research has shown that we can communicate six emotions (anger, fear, disgust, love, gratitude and sympathy) just with touch. And research using fMRI (functional magnetic resonance imaging) scanners has shown that parts of the orbitofrontal cortex in the brain respond specifically to "pleasant touch". In that study they used velvet fabric on skin, but many people, myself included, get an insane amount of pleasure from having our back scratched or our hair played with. When we persuade someone to rub our shoulders we are 100% aware of the fact that the pleasure is going in one direction - ours - so we tell them how great it feels and if we ask them to move a little to the left we do it in the sweetest, most cajoling way possible because we don't want them to stop. Sex is no different. Positive affirmation works.

You are right that delivery matters, but you should never worry that saying what you like is cringeworthy. It is common sense that if you tell someone what you like, they will choose that thing, rather than the 100 alternatives that they now know you like less. And of course you will be just as predisposed to listen to their needs. This simple dynamic is fundamental to intimacy, empathy and happiness and also ensures sexual satisfaction.

That is exactly what Sheila MacNeil and Sandra Byers found in 2009 when they explored the relationship between sexual satisfaction and sexual self-disclosure. Those people who disclosed their sexual preferences to their partner increased that partner's understanding of their needs, and this increased relationship satisfaction, which in turn increased sexual satisfaction. It's win-win all round.